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So I was sifting around in my old computer files, and I happened to stumble across an incomprehensibly idiotic story I wrote a year or two ago. I still really like it, and I've only ever told it orally once, so why let it go to waste? I decided to share it with you all. This was actually an assignment. We had to make a random constellation and create a story for how it got in the sky, and presto, you have my stupid story. I actually think the teacher still has a copy or two of it. It's a bit crude, so sorry in advance if you get mad at it. Or me. Burritos. Anyway, here ya go! I think the condo line is a little daring (it's implying suicide I guess), but I really don't know what else to put there. However, just to keep things safe, he doesn't do it. He's a bird, he has wings, that's the joke, K? This was two years ago, I don't know what I was doing when I was writing this. Sorry if it offends anyone. :S Yeah. Here ya go. :hero: ______________________________ Seagull with Nun chucks Long ago, in a valley far away, there lived a small family of pea fowls. They were submerged in poverty, and could not afford child support. With no choice or dignity left, they put all of their babies in a soup and attempted to send them to the moon. Little did they know, one of their children was actually a seagull. Disappointed that their moon soup had been soiled, they released the seagull, separating him from his siblings. The seagull was overwhelmed with isolation. After what seemed like ages, the seagull decided to get his act together and become a cashier at the nearest Taco Bell. After horribly failing to achieve that goal, the seagull jumped off of a three-story condo. However, he failed and missed the ground. The seagull felt that no matter how hard he tried, no matter how much effort he put into things, he could never succeed. That’s when a brilliant idea was born. The seagull was to become a kung-fu master. Bidding farewell to his friends, the seagull set off on his perilous quest to Ching-Wa-Shi-Nee-Poo-Paa-Bok-Lau Valley. Fortunately, saying goodbye was not a burden to the seagull, as he had no friends to start with. Slinging his small bag of belongings over his shoulder, he marched towards the mountains. He would leave no trace of his existence, except for a bag of salted potato chips. Not only would the seagull become a kung-fu master, but with his newfound skills, he would save his family from being launched to the moon. This goal drove him to struggle on, through thick and thin. He scaled mountaintops, crossed fierce rivers, and kicked donkeys off the sides of the hills for fun. However, the biggest, most painful, difficult challenge of all… …was pronouncing the name of the valley. After twelve nights and twelve and a half days, the seagull reached his destination. The Doo-Sa-Dong-Chee-Woo-Paow palace glimmered in all its glory at the top of the hill—the biggest hill in Ching-Wa-Shi-Nee-Poo-Paa-Bok-Lau Valley. The elevator to the top was out of service, so he would have to use the stairs. He began his scale up the Thirty-Thousand Steps of Eternal Doom. After yet another day, the seagull had reached the top of the hill. Wary, the seagull rested under the sun. However, he forgot that he was part vampire, and that it was the third Tuesday of the month, and he started to roast in the sun. Convinced that it was only the burning of calories, the seagull walked into the palace to greet the grandmaster. The seagull, however, was only greeted by frightening clouds of black smoke. He had set the palace aflame in his fat-burning glory. In a panic, the seagull reached for the ocean, but it was too far away! He stood on a stool and tried again—still no luck. He threw a rock, hoping to calculate the distance between the burning palace and the ocean. This effort was in vain, for the “rock” turned out to be a grenade and it blew the whole universe to pieces. Using his time machine, the seagull reversed time to three minutes before he had thrown the grenade. He was too stupid to rewind to before he even set the palace on fire, and destroyed the time machine after getting gum stuck in the vents. I’m getting too far into detail, so I’ll make this short. The seagull, ashamed of what he had done to the grand master’s palace, took up nun chuck lessons. He turned out to be pretty good, and learned quickly. However, the grand master still was not satisfied. He ordered the seagull to make him a ham and bologna sandwich, hold the mustard. Sadly, the seagull failed, and was banished for all eternity from the palace (which was now located in the grand master’s mother’s basement). Discouraged, the seagull went back to town. He beat up all of the people working at the Taco Bell he was refused to work for, and put sprinkles on all of the chocolate ice cream in the town. He even mixed all of the blue Play-Dough with the red, rendering them unusable. He had stirred up a reputation as a super-villain in the town, but said “sorry” and was forgiven. With fire in his soul, the seagull felt he was ready to save his siblings. He rushed back to his house (cardboard box) to meet with his insane parents. They were STILL preparing to launch, and the siblings had become all wrinkly and prune-like in the soup. The seagull’s parents were sleeping, but snapped awake when the seagull burst into the door. The mother accidentally pushed the “launch” button, and the seagull’s brothers and sisters were sent flying to the moon. The seagull was devastated. His mother apologized, and explained that she had never quite learned how to read after dropping out of preschool. She thought the “launch” button said “press for giant raccoons”. She wanted giant raccoons, she truly did. His father simply went back to sleep. The seagull was not finished yet. He was determined to save his siblings, no matter the circumstance. He was going to use the same catapult to launch himself into the stars. Since the journey he was about to embark on was surely dangerous, deadly, and scary, the seagull decided he would tell his parents he was leaving in the shortest, most calming way possible. “Mother, father, I’m going to get myself killed.” It was effective, and his mother replied, “That’s nice, honey, set the table when you’re done.” With no hesitation, the seagull flew into the sky. He burst through the clouds and stars, arranging a shape in the sky with them. Some people say it looks like a seagull with nun chucks, like the legendary zero. Most say it just looks like some stupid stars.

2013-03-15 18:51:00 Author: Sackpapoi Posts: 1195

Posts: 1077139    Threads: 69970    Members: 9661    Archive-Date: 2019-01-19

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