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Fatal Fantasia (Rebirth x3..or was it 4?)

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First Thread of the new year it seems...anyways for those who don't know me I'm Domingo Cardona (A.K.A. - Shadowcrazy...but if you're an old user that's been on this site since years ago (I'm talkin maybe 2 years ago or more) then you know me and you know what this title used to mean back in the day. It is a title that stands for the recent failures of my journey into sharing my visions and dreams with the masses. I would talk about the story that lead up to this point but I feel it's redundant and most people already know the gist of the story (or should I say stories). But through it all I learned some things about myself and it was this:


Don't depend on others to make YOUR dreams come true.

All I ever did was become one of "those" guys, you know the annoying "oh I'm just an ideas guy" who literally contributes NOTHING to the projects he wants to happen and expects everyone to do the work for him. It's alright if you suck at drawing and you'd like to have an artist on board with you to draw/animate for you, but you need to be willing to write or do something useful that contributes a great deal so you can actually stand up proud and say "yes that is MY project coming to life, with help from awesome people".

In the end that lesson has brought me back here, with a gift to you all. I have finally done it, I've finished Fatal Fantasia, it's been rebooted once again with a completely new story and characters (only one being sort of familiar) and has been 100% written. I feel like posting it here for all to enjoy but also with a small and simple request...FEEDBACK!

I really need help with my story here as, even though it's finished, I simply don't feel confident in turning this story into a comic/animated series/game just yet until I can be sure the story is stellar enough. So here I am asking that if you read my story and you find any errors at all (from grammar errors to flaws in the story and it's continuity) please feel free to comment about it constructively and give me alternative ways to fix it or make it better. Hopefully you'll be willing to help out.

now without further adieu:


http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commissionlogo.png
� Domingo Cardona 2013
Logo By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)


SYNOPSIS


Fatal Fantasia is a fantasy story surrounding a young girl named Rajah who discovers Domenica, a being from a race known as an Umbrastellan, who crashed landed on earth in order to prevent two of his brothers (Vineri and Merkredo) from destroying the Earth. Not only that but him and his siblings landing have awoken the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who are on a mission to destroy Domenica and his siblings (called by humans as the WeekENDERS) in order to save the Earth for it's true end of days (the Rapture which sets the stage for Armageddon). Domenica and Rajah have a lot on their plate and they'll need some help from the rest of Domenica's family/friends (Khamis, Sabado, and Tr�ti̱ if they hope to save the world before Vineri and Merkredo destroy it.

The weekENDERS are a group of 7 umbrastellans who crash land on the planet earth and are named after the day they crash landed with the language of the people who discovered them. The crash landing was an event that marked the end of the earth's life span. Because of this the Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arisen to destroy the weekENDERS in order to bring peace to the earth as the war between heaven and hell is the only TRUE way the world will end.


The problem with this is that some of the weekENDERS aren't there to destroy the world as much as they just want to make peace and live amongst the humans in harmony. Only time will tell until we find out who comes out victorious in this epic tale of action, love, peace, and adventure.

here are the weekENDERS:



Character Biographies



Domenica the Shadow Hatter (Italian for Sunday)

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4pykaRxun1rnvrqso1_250.gif
Art By: Jason Ames (http://amagawd.webs.com/)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/shadowcrazy08.jpg
Art By: Nicholas Kay (http://www.nicholaskay.com/index.html)

Domenica is a unique and cryptic umbrastellan. One thing that makes him unique is his star heart that changes colors depending on his mood, which is rumored to be the cause of the Northern Lights. Domenica is an optimist who always tries to see the good in a situation no matter how dire it is. He believes in doing the right thing and always sees the good in any life form. His role in Durahm is currently unknown but it seems he may have abandoned that role in order to pursue the true purpose of the umbrastellan's existence.
Domenica - Sentinel Form
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m21h4vVzDi1rnvrqso1_500.png
Art By: Umbbe (http://umbbe.deviantart.com/)

A cryptic form Domenica uses to intimidate tougher enemies and for him to feel equal to Vineri at times. still a lovable oaf while he assumes this form and still the crazy hatter you know and love.





Sabado the CPU (spanish for Saturday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt2.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)

Sabado is the second youngest of the weekENDERS (Domenica is the youngest) and represents the technology portion of the umbrastellan forms. he was tasked with observing the other planets and their behaviors so the umbrastellan race could have more forms to shift into and behaviors they could copy. Sabado is neutral in this war and sees it as illogical since they can't even understand their own race or their purpose for being so why try to change their current way of living if it could disrupt the order of their world.




Vineri the Great Wall (Romanian for Friday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/big_guy-1.png
Art By: Jason Ames (http://amagawd.webs.com/)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt3.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)

Vineri is Domenica's older brother (well all of Domenica's brothers are older then him) and one of the "weekENDERS" who crash landed on earth that marks the end of the earth's life span. he is the general of the umbrastellan army that is preparing to take control of the earth and rob it of all it's resources. the world of durahm, as we know, is full of umbrastellans that fill all the rolls that the planet needs. although a good amount of umbrastellans only wish to come out of hiding and become a peaceful planet others, like Vineri and some of Domenica's other brothers, wish to steal all of earth's resources so they no longer have to fill the rolls of their planet.


because of Domenica and his brothers crash landing on earth and causing a "sign" the apocalypse (despite Domenica being interested in earth and wanting to save it) the four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived to do battle with the weekENDERS to save the planet earth since it's not earth's time to go yet. Vineri, as you can see by his appearance, was one of the umbrastellans tasked with forming defenses such as walls or buildings to hold people within.




Khamis the wise Oak (Malay for Thursday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/leaf_guy-1.png
Art By: Jason Ames (http://amagawd.webs.com/)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/khamis_the_oak_by_soap9000-d59m78k.png
Art By: SOAP (http://soap9000.deviantart.com/)

Khamis is another of the weekENDERS and as you can see he represents the umbrastellans that had the roll of forming the agriculture of the land. he is one of the peaceful umbrastellans who, like Domenica, wish to save the earth and keep it from being destroyed by his fellow angry brothers who wish to mine it for resources. but of course the horsemen of the apocalypse do not see this and see ALL of the weekENDERS as a threat to the planet that need to be cleansed to restore order to earth.




Merkredo the Feral (Esperanto for Wednesday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/feral_bird_person.png
Art By: Jason Ames (http://amagawd.webs.com/)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/merkredo_the_feral_by_soap9000-d59m78k.png
Art By: SOAP (http://soap9000.deviantart.com/)

Merkredo belongs to the feral side of umbrastellans that were not actually assigned the roll, but took it themselves due to their savage nature. Merkredo looks up to Vineri due to his strength and sees Vineri as his role model and wants to become as strong as him. Because of this Merkredo has sided with Vineri in order to help him take over the Earth and take all of it's resources back to Durahm so the umbrastellan race can flourish with no need to fill their roles anymore.




Tr�ti̱ the Lover (Greek for Tuesday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt7.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)


Tr�ti̱ represents the love portion of the umbrastellans which consist of all the ones who want to live peacefully with the humans instead of destroying them. She is beloved by all and seen as the most mature one of the weekENDERS (although she's second oldest). She is also the creator of the "female form" with the help of Sabado's observation skills to help describe what the female form should look like.




Getsuyōbi the Master Prime (Japanese for Monday)

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt8.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)


Getsuyōbi is the oldest of the weekENDERS and one of the first umbrastellans to be in existence. He is the one that decided to invade earth since he was tired of viewing their daily lives and being envious of their freedom without rolls to fill in their planet (or so we thought). the machinery on his self is technology made by Sabado that he commanded to be built as the CLOAKING DEVICE to shield Durahm from the rest of the universe until he was ready to strike. he is extremely powerful when he reaches his final form and at that point he is a threat to himself and the entire world of durahm...possibly absorbing umbrastellans to become even more powerful.







Rajah the normal girl

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt5.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)

Although Rajah isn't a weekENDER she is one of the main characters of the story. She is a very cheerful girl with a sense of adventure and wonder. She is from the United States but recently moved with her mother to Italy for new opportunities, and a new opportunity she got. She meets Domenica when he crash lands near her area and there the adventure begins.




UMBRASTELLAN ORIGINS



http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/umbrastellan-2.png
Art By: Jason Ames (http://amagawd.webs.com/)

As stated Domenica is an umbrastellan. The Umbrastellans are a race of celestial beings that we humans call �stars�. These stars are encased in a shadow body to protect the star core until it matures enough. When the star core matures (I.E. - the shadow body �dies�) the star breaks free from the shadow body to join the rest of the stars that fill our universe. Only the most unique of these creatures are blessed with a fate of being a �constellation star� which helps form some of the constellations we see in our universe. But if the star in the shadow body dies, the shadow casing fades away and leaves behind star dust which is a material that is as strong as diamonds. The Umbrastellans are shapeshifters and because of this they can mold and shape their bodies to anything they see fit (from changing their hands and feet to weapons to even fully transforming their entire bodies to anything they have seen or can imagine). Some of the more feral Umbrastellans transform into strange animals to inhabit their world of Durahm.
http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/shadowcrazy09.jpg
The shadow world of Durahm is a world invisible to humans. This is because humans see when they look up is just stars which in reality are the Umbrastellans. The world is cloaked with a device constructed by the umbrastellans to study other planets of life and "borrow" some of their traits of their lifestyle. Because of the Umbrastellans, and their unique ability to shapeshift, they have filled out most of the roles in their world/planet (animals, plantlife, etc.). Another details is the fact that this world is CONSTANTLY raining and rain calms/soothes/heals the Umbrastellans.


http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c273/shadowcrazy/Domenica%20the%20Shadow%20Hatter/Commission1pt9.png
Art By: Sairokun (http://sairokun.deviantart.com/)

If you're reading this then thank you for reaching this far and caring so much. It warms my heart to see someone take interest in my characters and the world they inhabit. I'm hoping that one day this story can see the light of day and become a comic or a video game or something. Wish me luck.





and the moment I've been waiting for:

STORY

FATAL FANTASIA
by
Domingo Cardona


CHAPTER ONE


As the skies of Italy are showered with many beautiful stars and the view of the crescent moon, a strange event is about to occur. A girl is outside on her backyard looking up at the beautiful sky. Rajah is an eighteen year old cheerful girl with a sense of adventure and wonder. She is from the United States but recently moved to Italy, ordered by the witness protection program, with her mother after her father died protecting her mother from a ruthless mugger. Now Rajah lives day by day trying to adjust to her new life while also adventuring to honor her father.

"Rajah! how long are you going to be there staring up at the sky? You should get some sleep before you go nocturnal" Rajah's mother said.

"I'll be there in a minute mom!" Rajah replied, turning to enter into the house.

Before Rajah takes her next step though, the sky seems to brighten up as if the sun literally just popped out of nowhere. Rajah turns around to see a bright, shining star falling right before her eyes to a nearby location. The star crashes and makes the earth shake beneath her feet.

"Dear God what just happened?!" Rajah's mother exclaimed as she rushed outside to the backyard with her daughter.

"You're not going to believe this mom a star just crashed right nearby!" Rajah replied, excited over the strange event that has just occured before her very eyes.

"I have to go see what's going on" Rajah said, as she rushes over towards the location of the star crash site.

"Be very careful dear this doesn't seem safe at all!" Rajah's mother yelled out, feeling cautious but also confident knowing her daughter can take care of herself. During that mugging long ago Rajah showed a tremendous amount of courage before her father stepped in to save the day, showing her mother how well she can take care of her own well being.

Rajah runs as fast as she can through the her neighborhood, hopping over fences and dodging traffic, until she eventually ends up at the star crash site. She is overwhelmed with excitement as she sees the glow of the star and the size of the crater it left behind. As she was about to go and grab the star she is suddenly blown away by a small explosion of aura the star creates. She shakes her head and gets up slowly while she notices a dark, shadow-like essence suddenly drop all over the star as if a waterfall of darkness suddenly befell the glowing celestial object. The crater that the star resides in suddenly becomes engulfed in a storm of dark shadows swirling and shaking the earth around it. Rajah is startled and runs behind the nearby entrance looking over at the dark storm as it begins to suddenly calm down and disappear.

Rajah slowly approaches the crater, and suddenly hops back in shock as she sees a hand grabbing the edge of the crater. The figure pulls itself up and dusts itself off, looking straight into Rajah's eyes. Rajah is startled by this strange shadow figure, a shadow humanoid that is sporting a top hat with a trenchcoat on and some pinstripe pants.

"Well hello there pretty little lady! the figure says to Rajah, taking a theatrical bow in respect.

Rajah falls back from hearing the figure speak and starts trembling as she tries to stand up.

"W-Who are you?" Rajah says, still shocked at the strange creature she is viewing with her own eyes.

"Wel-...hmmm that's a good question" the figure replied with a puzzled look on his face. "Back where I come from we don't really identify each other with...names".

"W-Well here on this planet we all have names to help identify each other" Rajah replied, calming down and seeing the figure as less of a threat.

"So what do you plan to do? name me?! what am I your pet or something?!" the figure exclaims in a joking manner, laughing very heartidly as he pats Rajah on the shoulder.

"Hmmm...well what's today? Sunday I believe...soooo I think I'll call yooooou...Domenica! after today's day in italy's language!" Rajah says, laughing a bit and hugging the newly named figure Domenica. "Oh and my name is Rajah! so nice to meet you Domenica!"

"Awwww well then that's just fi-Hey wait a minute!" Domenica exclaimed. "I didn't crash land here just to have a vacation I also came here for some important business"

"Business? why did you come to italy?" Rajah wondered, looking at Domenica with a puzzled look.

Domenica's expression turns into a more serious one as his eyes change color to a darker tone, showing his expressions can be predicted by the colors of his eyes and mouth. He sighs heavily and prepares to explain to Rajah the events that will soon follow.

"Rajah, I don't have all of the details so I'll just explain as best as I can. I have five others like me who are heading to th-" Domenica was explaining, as he was quickly interrupted by Rajah.

"Oh you mean like Khamis and Sabado?" Rajah asked.

"Khamis and Sabado? who are they?" Domenica asked, puzzled that Rajah would interrupt him to mention those random names.

"Khamis and Sabado! I saw them in the world news a few days ago, they look a little like you except one of them looked like a tree and the other looked like a cyborg." Rajah explained. "They were also named for the day they crash landed and in the language of the place they landed, why did you think I named you after a day? this has become a fad after the second one of you landed here and I believe you're the sixth one". Rajah said as she smiles really big to Domenica.

"Oh **** so if what you say is true then that means all of my siblings are here...and if that's true that means my big brother is here too!" Domenica yells out, as his eyes change to match his shocked mood. "And if my big brother is here then...he's looking for-"

And before Domenica can finish his sentence a big earthquake rattles the very foundation they stand on causing Rajah to fall down on her butt. Domenica yells out for Rajah and transforms into a wolf, still retaining some of his distinguishable features, and throws her on his back while he runs away to a giant shadowy hand trying to grab them. A giant figure bursts out of the ground running at an alarming speed, shocking Rajah and Domenica as they run away from the figure. Domenica heads through Rajah's neighborhood, dodging traffic and looking for a safe place to hide Rajah while the giant figure behind swats cars away like flies. Eventually Domenica finds a safe place to hide Rajah and signals her to stay put, he turns around while transforming back to his original state and runs towards the shadow behemoth.

The giant figure lunges towards Domenica but his attack is dodged as Domenica hops to the side. Domenica runs right under the figure and uppercuts him, flinging the giant beast into the air as he leaps over the figure and proceeds to kick his head for a bit. The giant is angered and grabs one of Domenica's feet and flings him to one of the houses in the neighborhood. The interior of the house has two kids playing some fighting video game and arguing amongst themselves until they are interrupted by Domenica bursting through their wall. The kids are alarmed but also excited as they see the spectactle that is happening in their own living room. Domenica rises up and rushes towards the giant figure, just as Domenica is about to throw a jab at the giant he is flattened by the giant's fists.

Domenica tries to get up but gets repeatedly bashed in by the giant's fists constantly, the kids of the destroyed house cheering the fight on. Rajah looks in horror as her new friend is being pumeled to submission. She quickly runs over to the destroyed house of the kids, grabbing a fire extinguisher and running back to the giant.

"Hey ugly!" Rajah exclaimed, as she points the fire extinguisher at the beast. "Lights Out!"

Rajah uses the fire extinguisher, startling the giant and making him back up. Domenica sees this opportunity and uses all of his force to leap right under the giant, headbutting the behemoth and knocking him out temporarily. Domenica grabs Rajah and tosses her into the air, transforming himself into a flying carpet and fleeing the scene with her to a safe place as police arrive to the scene where the giant is. A few minutes later Rajah is finished having a conversation with her mother over the phone about the events that transpired and how she'll be away for a while.

"Man that was a close one...that must have been the giant from the world news that was discovered in Romania...Vineri I believe is what they named him. Rajah said.

"Vineri? what a weird name for my big brother" Domenica said.

"Yeah? well how about explaining what the hell was he doing chasing us? how the hell you transformed into a wolf, and how are we flying midair as a carpet?" Rajah said, staring angrily at Domenica.

"All in due time...but now it's time for you to sleep as we have a big day ahead of us" Domenica said, flying higher into the clouds.

CHAPTER TWO

several hours later

Domenica and Rajah are resting in the ruins of an abandoned school near her home. Domenica has finished explaining the situation to Rajah and also explained about his race and their shapeshifting, all of this while hanging upside down on one of the ceilings and having fun around the school.

"Okay so let me get this straight. you're an Umbrastellan, which is a race of stars using celestial shadow energy as a body for protection. Your race can also shapeshift into practically anything you can think of." Rajah recollects.

"Yes indeed" Domenica replies, still walking upside down while whislting a tune.

"You also go on to say that your people have been watching us for a long time and learning forms from all the life on our planet. And that some of them are planning to come to here and mine our entire planet of all it's resources, just because they can't decide what the hell their life is all about?" Rajah recollects again.

"BINGO!" Domenica exclaims, as he transforms instantly into a gameshow buzzer flashing it's lights about.

"We're screwed" Rajah says, sighing big with her head down.

"Not necessarily" Domenica says, smirking with a thought in mind.

"What do you mean?" Rajah asked.

"Well from what we know it seems Khamis and Sabado are here. In my world Khamis was known as "the wise" for his vast amount of wisdom and Sabado as "the cpu" for his vast knowledge of technology that he observed in other planets and created on his own. Also Khamis sort of looks similar to your earth agriculture and Sabado looks like your earthly technology so it won't be hard to find them since, in our world, we follow a strict transformation code to help Identify each other. If we make our way to Khamis, then maybe he'll be able to share his wisdom with us to help us find a way to solve this problem. Or if we find Sabado then maybe he can help gear you up so I don't have to keep babysitting you" Domenica explained.

"Hey I'm not a kid I can take care of myself!" Rajah exclaimed. "But still seems like this is going to be a very long journey...doesn't sound like I'll be able to go back home does it?" Rajah said, a serious face is shown with thoughts of her mother in her head.

"You can always turn back and run along home...I think I'll be able to do this all on my own." Domenica said, hopping back to on the floor from the ceiling.

"No...I don't know why, but something in me is telling me that I need to see this through. Plus I want to save my mom...she's...all I have." Rajah says, her face almost almost in tears. "You're really the only friend I have right now, I've been all alone for years but my mom has always been there for me with comforting words."

Domenica's eyes turn dark blue with sadness. He walks over to Rajah and hugs her tight, his hair tentacles wrapping around them both and warming Rajah up. Domenica's chest begins to glow which reveals his star glowing with a dark blue aura as well.

"I'll take care of you, and your mom, I promise on this glowing crystal that houses my very soul." Domenica says, smiling really big and releasing Rajah, his tentacle hair returning to normal. "Now do me a favor and let's go see your mom, I'm sure she's worried sick about you right about now and you'll probably want to tell her about what's going on".

"Yeah you're right, let's go" Rajah says, her face blushing bright red with a big smile on her face.

Domenica transforms into a giant bird-like creature and Rajah hops on, taking off to the sky to Rajah's mother's house. After an hour of flight they arrive at their destination, met by Rajah's mother standing outside waving at her daughter while with an awe struck face at the dark bird-like creature that descends with her. Domenica transforms back to his regular form, hugs Rajah's mother real quick like some very happy youth, and then proceeds to run into the house with his arms flailing around. Rajah and her mother look at him with a strange look, but laugh it off and follow him inside. A few minutes pass by as Domenica and Rajah explain the events that occured since Rajah, with Domenica's explanation shown in a whimsical puppet show.

"Wow this is a lot to take in, but I'm glad you're okay, thank you Domenica for taking good care of her" Rajah's mother said as she bows in respect. "Well it seems like you two will have a journey ahead of you...Rajah I always knew you were special and destined for great things".

Rajah's mother hugs her tight, Domenica's eyes turning into a heart-like pink showing his awwww face. Rajah's mother grabs a full backpack and hands it over to her.

"I always pegged you as a spelunker when you used to adventure out as a kid, so I had made this backpack with tons of adventuring materials for when you were old enough to move out and see the world, may it serve you well my little star" Rajah's mother said as she lets go of the back into Rajah's hands.

"Thanks mom...I'll make sure to make good use out of it" Rajah says, hugging her mom again before Domenica jumps in for a group hug.

"Ahhhhhh this got me all teary eyed n ****" Domenica says with his signature big smile. "But I'm afraid it's time for us to go Ms.Rajah's mom"

"Oh but you kids need your rest!, please let me have one more night with my daughter before you two go out on your adventure" Rajah's mother said. "I'll be sure to cook you some of my famous lasagna if you stay"

"Lasagna?" Domenica asked, with a puzzled look on his face.

"Oh boy you're in for a treat" Rajah said, giggling with her mother.

A few hours pass by consisting of Domenica and Rajah preparing for dinner, Domenica finding out lasagna is his favorite thing ever, and Rajah showering and preparing her room for them to sleep in. Domenica hops into Rajah's bed and waits for her to join him. Rajah later comes out of the bathroom in her PJs and see's Domenica taking up all the space in her bed.

"Ummmmm...okay so how is this going to work?" Rajah asked, giving Domenica a strange look.

"Oh where are my manners?!" Domenica said, as he transforms himself into a smaller stuffed doll version of himself, his eyes serving as a night-light.

"Well it was nice having you over Domenica, and Rajah I assume you'll be gone by the time I wake up...so goodnight my child and may the stars and heaven above watch over you" Rajah's mother said.

"Goodnight Ms.Rajah's mom!" Domenica exclaimed.

"Goodnight mom, I love you" Rajah said.

An hour or two pass by and Domenica, Rajah, and Rajah's mother are asleep in their respective rooms. Everything is quiet and calm as fireflies fly around Rajah's window in her room. Everything seemed peaceful, until Domenica's eyes burst wide open as he awakes with a shocked look in his face. Suddenly the window in Rajah's room explodes as some figure hastily flies right past it. Rajah awakes instantly to see the figure heading right for her and screams loudly. Domenica immediately transforms his body into a giant spring which catches the figure and bounces it to the ground.

"What the hell is this?!" Rajah yelled

"****** it's The Feral!" Domenica replied, transforming back to his original form. "Another one of my brothers, seems like he caught our scent when I battled Vineri and was waiting around the neighborhood to strike." Domenica replied.

Domenica dashes towards The Feral and jabs him in the face. The Feral barrels towards the floor but immediately regains footing and lands on his feet. The Feral sprints towards Domenica, hops to the side to distract him, and then lunges towards him with extreme speed. Domenica takes the hit and falls on his side, Rajah's mother wakes up from the noise and the shaking this battle has caused. Domenica gets up but before he can even more The Feral lunges again in an attempt to attack Domenica's Star. Rajah steps in at the nick of time and bashes The Feral on it's back using the weighter backpack her mother gave her.

The Feral shrieks in pain and hops back in fear, looking desperately for an edge to win. Rajah's mother opens the door hastily to see if her daughter is okay. The Feral smirks with a glint on his eye as he howls loudly and dashes towards Rajah's mother. Domenica and Rajah turn to yell at Rajah's mother to escape but as soon as they do a plethora of dark figures destroy the walls in Rajah's room and knock Domenica and Rajah down. The Feral snatches Rajah's mother in the midst of the chaos and dashes to the window. The Feral finally opens his mouth to formulate speech while his dark figures escape.

"Brother you know I fight dirty to win...I will keep this trophy to prove to The Great Wall Vineri that I am worthy to lead his army." The Feral said, then looking over at Rajah. "Your puny humans call me Merkredo...remember this name as I will soon rule over you as the strongest of the pack". The Feral howls once more to signal the rest of his dark figures to escape, and he follows with them to flee the scene. Rajah tries to yell out for her mother but is cut off when she falls unconcious with Domenica.

CHAPTER THREE


Merkredo and his group of feral umbrastellans are seen hopping from rooftops and trees throughout Rajah's neighborhood, Merkredo signaling his team to take Rajah's mother to a secret location and the rest of the group eventually jumping to the air and in flight. They eventually reach a hidden military base that is concealed in the ground nearby the neighborhood through a tunnel. Merkredo and his group begin a midair assault on the soldiers, dive bombing from the sky and ready to pounce. The trained soldiers are shocked by the dark figures about to attack and they immediately fire their assault rifles. As they fire their rifles most of the bullets phase through the shadow bodies of the umbrastellans while some actually hit them in their star hearts, shattering some pieces of them and stardust leaks out. The umbrastellans that got hit in their stars and their stardust leaking out dissolved their shadow bodies until only their star remained, a broken and lightless gem that crashed on the floor and shattered into a pile of stardust. The umbrastellans that survived landed on the soldiers and completely massacred them, ripping through them with ease and invading the base.

The alarm sounds in the base and the soldiers that were asleep are waking up, but are too late as Merkredo sprints through the base slicing them out of the picture. Eventually after much blood, and stardust, Merkredo alone reaches a secluded room with the door labeled "Top Secret SSI". Merkredo busts down the door to reveal a giant force field housing Vineri inside. As Merkredo attempts to touch the force field with a light touch his finger disintegrates, shocking Merkredo and making him hop back. Merkredo looks at his hand as his finger regenerates with shadow energy.

"What have you found out about our brother, now named Domenica, by these humans?" Vineri asked, sitting indian style and meditating.

"He seems to be a formidable opponent, his reflexes are pretty fast and his moves are impressive and I barely made it out of there had it not been for a human I've taken hostage" Merkredo said, still hyped as a human would with adrenaline.

"Be sure to bring me this human, if I know Domenica he will search for Khamis for his vast wisdom and when Khamis tells Domenica about Sabado's piece of tech we need, then we'll need this hostage to combat that" Vineri said, standing up and showing a serious face. "We also have to worry about...them".

"You don't mean...after all these years they've returned?!" Merkredo said, a shocked expression shown in his face.

"Yes it seems the four horsemen of the apocalypse have returned, I remember when we first observed them with Sabado's technology many years ago. Back then they appeared to set a divine apocalypse upon the earth for the end of days which turned out to be a hoax by some unforseen force in their world. Now it seems they blindly return to put a stop to us since their earth is not destined to be destroyed by our kind. They are not prepared for our arrival Merkredo, as long as Domenica and Sabado's technology are kept away from them". Vineri explains, kneeling down with his fist to the ground.

An announcement can be heard from outside of the room, it appears to be more soldiers from another base that were alerted of the slaughter caused by Merkredo. As the announcement finishes up a plethora of soldiers flood the room in which Merkredo and Vineri reside.

"Looks like we may be in a bit of a jam here" Merkredo says with a worried look.

"You worry too much Merkredo" Vineri said.

Vineri suddenly stands up completely, raises his hands to the ceiling, and slams them down with such force that it destroys the ground beneath him while the soldiers fall down on the floor. The destruction of the floor gives enough room for Vineri to rush right under the force field and escape. But not before he extends his arms to fill the room and runs through, slamming all soldiers against his arms. As soon as Vineri collects all the soldiers in his arms as he runs through he slams his arms together, smashing all the soldiers against one another and cracking a lot of their bones killing them almost instantly. Vineri and Merkredo escape to the nearest exit and head off in search of Sabado.

Meanwhile, in Domenica's mind, it shows a plane of existence that consists of a black and white checkered floor and his home world of Durham looming over the plane as a moon. Domenica walks around in this plane wondering how he's arrived in this place. He walks for a bit and eventually finds a familiar face, turns out it's an old friend of his The Lover.

"It's been a while hasn't it Domenica?" The Lover said, walking slowly towards Domenica in a sexy strut.

"How'd you know about my human name?" Domenica questioned.

"I've been watching you ever since you descended into Italy, I've been on Earth for a while now when I landed in Greece, Tr�ti̱ is the name they decided to bestow upon me" Tr�ti̱ said. "I'm sure you're probably wondering where you are...well we're inside your hat right now".

"WHAT?! you're telling me I have my own world inside of my own hat?" Domenica said, shocked and puzzled as he stands there with Tr�ti̱.

"Well not really you just have this small plane of existence. Domenica the reason I am inside your plane with you is because as of right now you're unconcious in my house in greece with your friend, don't ask me how I got you here, but it was the only way to have a word with you as we are pressed for time. Domenica as you know Vineri is here with Merkredo to mine the earth of it's resources so that our people can have a life of their own and I know that you came here to stop them and you're looking for the help of Khamis and Sabado. But the situation is more dire than that it seems, a group of higher beings are coming to end this little war Vineri has and these beings have labeled all of our kind as a threat. I need you to go back home to Durahm and let me convince Vineri to stop this war and leave before these beings appear or it can spell death for all of us...especially you" Tr�ti̱ said, with a tearful look on her face as she runs into Domenica's arms.

"That seems like a lot to take in Tr�ti̱...but I can't leave I need to stay and put a stop to Vineri and try to save this world. Domenica said, wiping the tears off of Tr�ti̱'s face. "I'll be fine okay? as long as I have Khamis, Sabado,...and you" Domenica kisses Tr�ti̱, their eyes glowing a passionate red with a shadowy dark red aura swirling around them.

After some hours Rajah awakes to find herself in a strange house where she discovers Domenica's top hat on a table. She reaches for the hat and when she removes it from the table the hat suddenly floats mid air and a shadowy aura creeps from the opening of the hat. Both Domenica and Tr�ti̱ materialize under the hat, fall to the ground, and Domenica's hat lands on his head. Rajah shows a puzzled look as she has never seen Tr�ti̱ before and questions Tr�ti̱'s identity. For a while Domenica and Tr�ti̱ explain the situation to Rajah and the events that are about to unfold.

"So then it wasn't a nightmare, she's really gone" Rajah says, tears coming down her eyes.

"NO! Ms.Rajah's mom is not gone, not while I'm here to get her back" Domenica says as he slams his hands on the table and his eyes turn red and blue with anger and sadness. "You can't just give up and expect the worst when things seem gloom, we have to fight on through and through until we see her face. Only then can you say whether we give up or not but not now, not when we haven't even begun to try".

"You're right Domenica, but you can't do it alone" Tr�ti̱ said. "We need to go find Khamis so he can help us with his wisdom, I believe he's somewhere in Indonesia."

"Then let's go" Rajah said as she stood up with hopeful eyes. "We can't just leave mom out there can we?"

"**** right!" Domenica said as his eyes changed to a happier color.

Domenica immediately transforms himself into a strange chimera and has Rajah and Tr�ti̱ jump aboard them and they set off to Indonesia. While flying through the skies and above the oceans Tr�ti̱ and Rajah see many sights like dolphins, whales, and other aquatic life jumping out of the waters, their eyes in wonder and amazement. They see the birds in the air also flying around them and smiles fill their face as they see the beautiful sky shining around them, Domenica seeing the birds as a chimera and eats one out of curiosity, shocking Tr�ti̱ and Rajah before they laugh it off and continue observing the earth.

As Domenica was about to speed it up he senses something coming towards him. He throws Rajah and Tr�ti̱ off of him as a giant grappling hook impales him. Rajah is shocked and yells out for Domenica as Tr�ti̱ transforms into a giant falcon and flies off, following Domenica's signal before he is pulled into the dephts of the ocean.

CHAPTER FOUR-A


As Tr�ti̱ flies off in search of Khamis, Rajah is distraught and in tears. She pounds on Tr�ti̱'s back in anger and grief and cannot control her rage.

"Why aren't we going back for him?!" Rajah cries out.

"Because he wants us to end this worldwide crisis as quick as possible" Tr�ti̱ replied. "He'll be fine okay? now let's focus on getting to Khamis."

Tr�ti̱ speeds up and heads straight for Indonesia, almost breaking the sound barrier in terms of speed. Domenica is still being pulled underwater at an alarming rate while trying to break free from the grappling hook's grip. Domenica transforms one of his hands into a sharp blade and attempts to break the rope but before he can strike it he reaches the bottom of the ocean and the hook loosens it's grip, launching Domenica off into a dark cave nearby. Domenica's eyes can be seen in the dark cave and so can his smile when he's glad to see he is okay. The cave seems to be glowing bright as underwater lights begin to glow revealing Domenica being surrounded by some strange aquatic creatures, one of them knocking Domenica out cold and dragging him deeper into the cave.

After a while Domenica awakens to see himself inside of a room full of many jewels and trinkets. Domenica's eyes glow in surprises as he looks around to see if anybody is watching and takes one of the necklaces from the cupboard nearby. Soon after a nearby door opens and Domenica quickly hides the necklace in his coat pocket quickly. A strange figure walks into the room and introduces himself to Domenica.

"Welcome dark creature...I'm sure you're wondering why I've brought you here. I do apologize in advance for the grapple hook, we never saw such a creature in the skies before and we desperately needed such a creature to help us with our current dilemma." The mysterious aquatic figure said.

"Well despite separating me from my friends and dragging me to the depths of the ocean away from my current mission, I guess I can help you out with you problem...so what is it?" Domenica questioned.

"Well it seems my city has been attacked by some strange creature the humans in the surface spoke urban legends about...a lochness monster apparently. The beast was always a mystery to the humans but it does exist and it's been terrorizing my people for about a weeks time. I saw that incredible creature form you adopted when you were in the air, do you think you could transform into that thing and do battle wit the lochness?" The aquatic figure asked.

"Sure let's go kick this thing's ***" Domenica replied with his signature grin on his face.

"Marvelous! well we've been able to pin point the exact location where it always seems to appear before it attacks our city. By the way my name is Shalamin and I am the King of this vast city of ours. But enough about me right now you have to deal with this beast so we can live on with our lives" Shalamin said.

Shalamin leads Domenica out of the room and through some hallways until they exit the castle they were inside of. Domenica looks around in wonder and amazement at this underwater city noticing some of the city's landmarks and even a whale swimming by some man in a diving suit drilling some coral. Eventually Shalamin leads Domenica to the back entrance of the city. As they step outside they hear a loud roar in the distance with a dark blur showing off in the distance and Shalamin raises his hands, doing a hand gesture. This gesture signals some soldiers nearby to activate a device that starts to seal the back entrance of the city, while also covering a big chunk of the outside in a giant see through material.

Domenica looks around as the giant casing closes him, Shalamin, and the blurred figure within this giant area, almost making it look like a stadium. The blur soon is revealed to be the lochness and Shalamin backs off to enter back into the city.

"Goodluck noble hero!" Shalamin says as he enters within the city.

Shalamin heads towards a podium in the square of his city. He begins to call all of his people and instantly they begin surrounding the square. He gives a speech about how Domenica is taking care of the lochness and how soon their city will be safe from harm. The crowd cheers as a giant jumbotron descends unto the square, turning on and displaying Domenica in mid transformation to his chimera form. Domenica is ready and the battle soon begins as the lochness swims towards Domenica.

Domenica uses the chimera form's wings as a means of increasing his speed, gliding through the water with ease. As soon as the lochness gets close enough Domenica uses the wings to slice through the side of the beast. The lochness lets out an ear shattering shriek that startles Domenica, reverting him back to his original form. Domenica, surprised by his sudden change back to his form, begins to dash towards the sides of the see through material housing the two. The lochness sees Domenica and starts spewing massive water balls from his mouth at an alarming speed.

Domenica notices the projectiles and picks up the pace as he runs on the very walls themselves. The water blasts start hitting the walls almost an inch away from Domenica and he speeds up to dodge the incoming blasts. The lochness stops, noticing Domenica dodging them, and begins to charge for a massive blast. Domenica notices this opportunity, stops in place on the wall, transforms his right hand into a massive drill, and launches himself straight towards the beast. The lochness finishes charging it's attack and immediately blasts it in Domenica's direction. Domenica starts to use the drill to spin his entire body in a way that not only speeds him up, but helps him rip right through the lochness' blasts and enters the beasts stomach.

The lochness panics and begins smashing itself on the walls that house it, trying to find a way to expell Domenica from it's insides. Domenica stumbles around for a bit until he eventually finds the heart of the beast. Domenica preps his drill hand to drill through the heart, about to strike when he hears about three more ear shattering shrieks that revert his hands to regular form. Domenica runs out of the lochness through the mouth to see what he was about to face and he was shocked to discover something. Domenica sees three little baby aquatic creatures, resembling the lochness monster. Domenica's eyes turn into a pink and he lets out a sigh of relief as he runs over to hug one of the babies.

Domenica looks over at a nearby camera and addresses the people of the city.

"Looks like we finally found out what the problem is folks. It seems as though these babies were probably lost nearby this city and the lochness was panicking and destroying anything in it's path to try and find them. I implore you guys to leave these creatures alone now as they'll probably go back to their homes." Domenica said as he gestures the now cheering crowd within the confines of the city.

As Domenica waves his hands to the crowd and the dome starts to open up he senses a strange presense nearby. The lochness begins to panic and snatches her children away to escape, giving Domenica a puzzling but worried look. Suddenly a pool of darkness emits from the ground and rising from it is none other that Death itself, one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. The crowd viewing is stunned at what they see, but Death points towards the camera viewing him and the screens within the city shut down immediately.

"Your presense in this earth is not destined in the scriptures of old" Death told Domenica. "You and the rest of your umbrastellans must leave this place immediately before me and my brothers eradicate you from this world. We'll do what we must to preserve this earth until it's true end of days."

"Aw **** it's you guys? I remember Vineri and Merkredo telling me about you guys back in Durahm years ago but I didn't think you actually existed. Listen, I'd love to head home right now and prevent the fighting but I have no choice, I need to stop my brother before he ends all life on this rock and takes everything he can for our world" Domenica replied.

"Your brothers eh? my brothers War and Famine will take care of him. Now I'll tell you one more time to leave this place before this turns ugly" Death said, pulling out his scythe from a dark void on the floor.

"Guess there's no use talking to you since you just want me eradicated. I'm not leaving until me and my brothers are safe back in Durahm" Domenica said as he preps for combat.		2013-02-04 01:34:00

Author:
Shadowcrazy
Posts: 3365

Wow. Probably the longest thing I've ever read on lbpcentral.

I have to say my criticisms of this are many. Before, I go into them, I must say I did enjoy this quite a bit, so don't take this too harshly.

First off, the writing style. You constantly jump between past and present tense, sometimes in the same paragraph, although it's usually that all the dialogue is in past tense and everything else is in present (example: "Something something something", Rajah said, as she begins to do something). This confuses the reader chronologically. Furthermore, your grammar, while generally good, has many errors (too many to name individually), especially in areas of dialogue. However, dialogue grammar is quite confusing, so this is no great mistake. I'd suggest you just read up on it on the internet. Lastly, the whole thing just seems a bit amateurish. Your story is not so much a story as it is a sequence of events. You never go into great detail about anything, and your descriptions are never that great. The whole thing is just quite monotonous, the tone never really changes (or seems to change) and it just feels like you're trying to describe a movie. I'm willing to give you some slack for all these things, though, since this is meant to be a graphic novel.
However, some things are inexcusable. Take your character summaries, for example. They explain things that are never explained in the story. Look at the last sentence of Khamis' summary. It says, "but of course the horsemen of the apocalypse do not see this and see ALL of the weekENDERS as a threat to the planet that need to be cleansed to restore order to earth." This is never explained in the story, or at least not explained very well. I was actually wondering "Why don't the horseman assist the good umbrastellans if they have the same goal-save the Earth?" This isn't an isolated incident, either. You say the same thing in the second paragraph in Vineri's character summary, too. Why are you explaining things in summaries that should be in the story? The things don't even have anything to do with the characters. The Khamis summary horseman thing came out of nowhere, and didn't help describe Khamis at all.

Secondly, the characters. They don't feel that real. All of them, except for perhaps Dominica, are one-dimensional. Triti the Lover is little more than a lover, Khamis and Getsuyobi are the stereotypical "wise man" and "bad guy", respectively, and Sabado the CPU, while being nothing like an actual CPU, really doesn't have any personality in any sort of anything. I could do this for all of the characters. I suppose the problem is that you just have so many and your story is too short to fit them in, and thus, none of them can be portrayed in a real manner. I read your descriptions for each of the umbrastellans, and it they told about personality traits that are never exhibited in the story. For example, you say Triti is the most mature of the umbrastellans, but I have found no example where she displays considerable maturity. In fact, she seems just as mature as everyone else (except Dominica, who is a bit below in that respect). Also, you say Sabado is neutral in the war in his character summary, but yet in the story he fights for the humans. What?
Another criticism of the characters is that they seems more like tools of the plot than characters. This is especially illustrated in Chapter 1. Rajah and Dominica bond way too quickly (they share six lines of dialogue and she's already hugging him). Also, it would seem unrealistic that Dominica would feel so sad when Rajah tells him about her mom, when he didn't even know Rajah that well. The best example of this, however, is Rajah's mother. She screams, "I sacrifice my realism for the convenience of the author." How? Well, first off, she accepts Dominica without even the slightest suspicion, believes everything he says without even asking for proof or anything, but worst of all, is perfectly fine with her daughter going on an extremely dangerous journey. She claims that it's okay because Rajah is an adult, as demonstrated during the mugging that killed her husband (Rajah's father), but I can't really believe this. If anything, she should be more protective of Rajah. Since she lost her husband, her daughter should become a lot more important to her. Yet another example of characters working for the plot is when Merkredo dies. Everybody cries. That all there is. I know you want to make it seem that Merkredo's death has taken a huge emotional toll on the characters, but you don't even try to explain how each character deals with it. By making everyone just cry, you are making the characters less individual for the plot. If it takes such an emotional toll, shouldn't you go into more detail about how it affects each of them?

Speaking of which, the plot. The worst thing about the plot was that there were so many unneeded elements in it. The Four Horseman needn't exist. They add little to the story and just complicate things. I was going to talk about them when criticizing characters, since they are probably the blandest characters in the story and are identical (seriously, swap their names around and see if you can tell which is which without them using their powers). However, the real shiner here is Atlantis. What's the point of it? It doesn't add anything to anything, and just distracts the reader and opens up a bunch of plot holes. For example, why would Dominica help them? What was he thinking? "Oh, the situation is dire, I have to help get Triti and Rajah safely to Khamis and Sabado before Vinis and Merkredo mine away the Earth. Hmm. These people who speared me out of the air want me to help them defeat the Loch Ness Monster. Sure, Triti and Rajah may be in mortal peril without me, but I can always take a bit of a detour". What? I mean, it almost makes Dominica seem like a jerk.
Another example of a gaping plot hole is the doom machine-that one that makes it so all umbrastellans could enter the atmosphere. Why didn't they just destroy it? It posed no real advantage to them, so why even risk it? Come to think of it, how come the umbrastellans burn up? Couldn't they just slow themselves down? It's already established that they could shape shift so couldn't they just turn into something like feathers? Do they always have to turn into something living? How does shape shifting even work? What are the limitations? What advantages do these guys even have over each other? How come some umbrastellans are blessed with the power to come to Earth and some aren't? I'm sorry, but I must fire on these questions. Why is Rajah so important? She's pretty useless until Sabado gears her up so couldn't they have just gotten another adventurous human? How come Atlantis rose when the Loch Ness Monster died? How come the people of Atlantis didn't notice the babies before? It's not like they were shy or anything since they weren't afraid to approach Dominica. Any why didn't the Loch Ness attack Dominica when he was hugging her babies? Why didn't the four horseman attack the umbrastellans when they were mourning Merkredo? It was the perfect time! There's so much you didn't explain! Why did Getsuyobi need natural resources when umbrastellans made him powerful? How come when both Dominica and Getsuyobi were in the hat they were transferred into another dimension? Where did Dominica get that power? There are just so many concepts unexplained, so many plotholes left unpatched, and so many questions left unanswered that it's a little silly.

But believe me, I enjoyed this. A lot. Even though it is unrefined and amateurish, it has a sort of imagination and enthusiasm, an aura of awesome, that many other things don't. With improvements and refinement, this could be something absolutely brilliant.		2013-03-03 05:26:00

Author:
Kalawishis
Posts: 928

yikes, looks like I have a lot of work to do then...and by that it sounds like I need to rewrite the entire thing or just make a new story with my characters. thanks for the long post, at least now I know my suspicions about how my story would be received were correct.

maybe you can help me out here if possible. like suggesting a plot with these characters (i've invested so much time into them that I can't really just throw them away...I really need them to exist) or something.

the problem I have is that my mind doesn't feel developed. I see your constructive criticism and it feels like I just need to write the entire story again or make a new one because there's way too much damage to fix. and even if the damage was minimal I'd need detailed specifics to fix them (like what exact sentence needs to be changed and what would work with it) because otherwise my brain freezes on me and I end up being useless.

I can't draw, I can't dance, I can't make jokes, I can't keep up with people, and now it seems I can't write.

just seems like the only thing I'm HALF DECENT at is voice acting and even then that's not going to help me at all...I really wish things weren't this difficult.

but I have to say, some of those have the excuse of "I didn't think of it at the time" and others are because they made no sense to me.

like how to show each character dealing with Merkredo's death when they're in the middle of doing a fight? what's more how would I give them each the proper time to deal with it? and how well would the story be if the badguys literally attacked right after that while they mourn for a second? you don't see frieza killing off vegeta immediately in DBZ he toys with him for a bit. just some stuff was because I never thought of it and some was just because it didn't make sense to do so.

trust me when I say I appreciate the criticism...just some of those questions don't really feel necessary when some of them cross each other and when the story isn't meant to be longer than it should be (to explain everything you ask in each question would probably cost more chapters to write).

I guess when I was writing this I had FLCL in the mind (the show didn't make much sense but was still short and enjoyable, you could probably ask many questions like these with that show due to the craziness that happened there) so having it written as though it were a movie is the reason for that. in the end I just wanted a story people would like and would be interested in the characters and want to see more. I mean, homestuck is so famed but that story makes no sense to me and I couldn't get into it...so maybe my brain told me it was okay for some things not to make sense because maybe the reader would interpret them and add messages to them in a manner to help themselves understand.

the sequel I have planned, should this story be successful one day, was going to be the longer and more fleshed out one that spanned a long time to complete...but I can't work on that one if this one isn't even good enough to make into a comic/graphicnovel/videogame.

I appreciate all the help ya wrote for me...now I just wish my brain wasn't frozen so I could make out what I need to do.		2013-03-05 09:03:00

Author:
Shadowcrazy
Posts: 3365

Here's some advice I have. I know you won't be able to implement a lot of this, but I believe it will make it better.

First of all, yeah, I was a bit too harsh. I must confess now that I have little knowledge of manga, anime, or Japanese pop culture, so I would not have been able to appreciate your work fully (I was not able to understand the Dragonball Z explanation for why the horesman didn't attack while the umbrastellans were mourning). Secondly, I criticized this like a book, not like a graphic novel (which I also have little knowledge in), and differences between the two mediums would have confused me as well. Thirdly, yeah, some of my questions were dumb.

Secondly, due to the reasons above, my "improvements" may not be the best thing, but I'll try to be universal with this.

1. Take out the Four Horseman and Atlantis. They don't enrich the story, they just confuse it.

2. Make the story a lot longer. If you want to make it any better, then by God make it longer. If you have over seven important characters then the story will have to be quite long. You don't have to add in one more action scene, though. Instead, add in periods of calm, where the characters can characterized, and, most importantly, TALK. Dialogue tells so much about a character it's not funny. It doesn't have to be exclusively dialogue though. You can use imagery and actions to show depth (in fact, this will be easier since this is a graphic novel). If the plot is too fast paced (like the one you have now, where the time is constantly ticking), then you can either a: alter the plot to allow more time, like to have Dominica and some of the other umbrastellans come in earlier or something, or even better yet, start the story earlier with the umbrastellans on Durahm which or b: try integrating dialogue and characterization into the plot even in its action moments. However, this is extremely difficult to do smoothly and well. I would suggest you just put the story over a longer time span and make it so not all the action is so closely packed together.

3. Give the world more depth. Right now, your settings exist for the sake of existing. You can switch them around and it would make no difference. Seriously-if Rajah lived in Britain it wouldn't do much. Make your settings rich and complex, with systems and umbrastellans and visuals. Thus, people will care about it. Make sure to describe the setting in a way that makes it seem real. They can be as fantastical as you want-the only rules they have to obey is basic logic. To really drive the "real" factor in, have the setting affect the plot and the characters as well. Durahm has little resources; you could do a great stuff by telling how that affects the characters. An example would be its influence on Getsuyobi. On Earth, you can describe how Rajah being in Italy influences the plot. I don't know how, but maybe Rajah could live in a really dangerous part of Italy and it would make her tough or something. Dumb idea, but hey. You can do this with any Earth setting with any character. So, two rules of setting: a: make it as fantastical as you please while still making it feel real, and b: make it be connected with the story and characters. Speaking of which...

4. The characters! Develop them! I've already covered this a bit before with dialogue and quiet moments and all that, but I must cover it more. Generally, each character should be unique, relatable, and feel real. Give them back stories. Why are they the way they are? Is Sabado so good with technology just because that's the way he is or because of an experience? How did Khamis get so wise? Heck, what did Rajah do before these events? What you should do is try to make it so that the back stories are real, and that they affect the characters in a meaningful way. It's one thing to say that Getsuyobi is just evil, but if you explained how he got evil with back story then it would be infinitely better. To make it really good, make it so that the back stories intertwine with each other. The way it is now, the only way the seven umbrastellans are linked is that they can all get into the atmosphere. Make it so they are all linked in a more meaningful way, and that they have affected each other even before the events of this story.

5. Add a bit of subtlety. Don't tell people stuff outright. Tell things through the imagery, or imply them with dialogue. It'll make the reader feel smart and more involved in the story if he has to infer some things on his own. Just telling the reader things will make him feel out of the story. Oh, and add some symbolism too. Make it so that things in the story are more than just their definitions, and mean different things. For example, Sabado's doomsday device doesn't just have to be a doomsday device. It can be a symbol for...I don't know. You have to come up with some stuff yourself, but it can be a symbol for a lot of things. These working together can give your story extra meaning and add to its theme (which will be explained later).

6. Use figurative imagery. The book equivalent would be to use figurative language, but this is a graphic novel. Don't just have your drawings show what happens, have them imply deeper meanings. If you're really good, you can characterize, tell plot elements, and add depth to the setting without having to show a single speech or thought bubble. They are also good places to have symbols and tell or imply the theme. Speaking of which...

7. Give your story a theme! Make it more than a complex sequence of events! Make it mean something! Give your story an opinion-don't make it just a "Don't be greedy" moral. Your story should be relatable to real life, like any good one. Even the most fantastical tales have some lesson or commentary or analysis or idea on a real life thing. A good story can have its readers looking at the world around them and thinking "That's like in that story," or, "I've never thought about that thing that way before". The theme can be implied by the symbols and figurative imagery, or can be outright stated.

8. You can probably infer this from the previous points, but make it so that the characters, plot, and setting are all linked, and interact with each other realistically. Make it so the events affect the characters, the characters affect the setting, the setting affect the events, the characters affect the events, the setting affect the characters-everything affects everything. This will give a feeling of depth, complexity, and realism to you story, as well as making it better in general. Don't just make one of these three thing irrelevant. In your story, the setting was meaningless, and the characters were puppets of the plot. You should also make it so that the symbols and imagery complement the story-generally you should make it so everything works together to tell and support the theme

You don't have to re-write the entire thing. Just refine it with the tips I've given you. However, the best tip I can give you is this. STUDY GRAPHIC NOVELS, ANIME, MANGA, LITERATURE, AND FILM. No good writer doesn't like to read. If you become familiar with great works, understand them on a deep level, and know what makes them great; their themes, symbols, uses of figurative language and imagery, then you will become much better at creating stories. Generally, you should focus on graphic novels and manga. However, film, anime, and literature will help you in general. The more stories you take in, appreciate, and understand, the better stories you put out. Its simple fact. You'll probably focus mostly on Asian works, but try to put in a few Western ones as well. Diversity really helps.

Lastly, DON'T GET DISCOURAGED! I make the same mistakes you do! Do an in-depth analysis of SackDroid (in my sig) and you'll find that the characters are one-dimensional, the plot is full of holes, and there is little higher meaning. I'm trying to get better too. So don't think you're bad at writing, cuz you're not. I'm serious.

Too much to proof read...		2013-03-06 02:17:00

Author:
Kalawishis
Posts: 928

all sounds good and thanks again for the long posts...I feel rewriting the entire thing may be better for me because right now, the story seems like a giant mess of tangled wires and it seems like starting fresh will do wonders for me instead.

I've decided to changing the story in a big way but maybe keeping the main plot in it.

I'm fiddling with ideas but I'll be keeping these notes up and reading them once in a while to help me remember what's really important...and hopefully I'll be able to make a story that uses some/most of what's said here.

thanks again for the contributions and I really appreciate you for being the only person to take the time to read the entire thing and give me feedback on it...hopefully this helps me turn this story into something more.		2013-03-06 20:49:00

Author:
Shadowcrazy
Posts: 3365

You're welcome.2013-03-06 22:26:00

Author:
Kalawishis
Posts: 928


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