Archive: 12 posts

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I picked up a project I haven't looked at for months yesterday, a novel I started at the beginning of the year. I'm currently about a quarter of the way through (28,000 words) and I'm really interested to see what people think of the opening section. So I thought I'd post it up here and see what you lovely people thought I have no desire to post any more than this to the internet as I'm really keen to get the darned thing finished and seek a publisher who might want to buy it, but I would like a few pointers. First, you should know what it's about. At it's most basic, this is a novel focused on young adult readers (but with a mind to appeal to older adults too) It's a modern werewolf novel, although this first section probably won't show much of that lol. What I basically want to know is this: Does this scene interest you to read further? Does the premise seem exciting? boring? cliche? believable? Anything you want to comment on! I'm always open to constructive criticism, so please do be honest with me It's only a short section, a sort of teaser page if you like. Here goes! Max Hartman ran through the bushy undergrowth, wincing as branches whipped back at his face. The moon shone above him, reflected in the puddles underfoot. He could sense his pursuers, not too far behind him. He had to lose them. Taking a sharp turn, he ducked down a small winding path. The trees hung low above him. Max bobbed and weaved, attempting to disturb as little as he could for fear of leaving a trail. His legs ached; even his resilient muscles couldn't withstand being chased for so long. He had started to run at dusk ? it was now at least midnight. The sky was clear and the canopies quiet, but again he heard the roar of motorbikes at his back. The end of the path flashed into view ? he could almost smell his family home. He saw light in the distance. His mother would be watching some old romance, his father probably off leading one of the Damarch campaigns. Why weren't they looking for him? Headlights illuminated his path from behind him. A motorbike roared past his right ear, before skidding to a halt ahead of him. Max stumbled, landing on the ground with a dull thud. ?You're from the corporation.? He sputtered, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. Aware of his moment of weakness, he flashed them a cocky grin. ?Guys, seriously. I told you already ? I don't do second dates!? The figure, clad in leather, his face hidden by his helmet, walked slowly towards him. Max saw a reflection of moonlight flash from a taser in the bikers hands. His heart picked up a beat. He stood, ready to run again. Another motorbike snarled behind him. He whirled around to face this new attacker, forgetting the first. Idiot. He felt a sharp pain in his thigh, lost control of his limbs, and fell to the ground. A sudden pain screamed in his head, and all went dark.

2011-12-12 19:33:00 Author: rialrees Posts: 1015

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At it's most basic, this is a novel focused on young adult readers (but with a mind to appeal to older adults too) "Older person" thinks it is very good. Does this scene interest you to read further? Yes, very nice imagery. I can visualize the scene quite well from the descriptions. The mood of the section comes through. I can see getting wrapped up in this story.

2011-12-12 20:07:00 Author: Lady_Luck__777 Posts: 3458

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Thanks Lady it's nice to have a perspective from lots of different points of view. I'm 27, so sort of in the young adult bracket, but not quite lol. I used to read a lot more as a young adult, so I guess I'm more familiar with that sort of language, but it's nice to think that this might possibly appeal to a larger audience. I suppose the proof will be in the pudding. Thanks again!

2011-12-12 20:12:00 Author: rialrees Posts: 1015

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When you told me you were writing a novel, I wasn't the least bit surprised, and I've been itching to be able to read a portion of it. I read a lot. I mean, A LOT. I read a wide variety of books from non-fiction and fiction, sci-fi, murder mystery, horror, fantasy etc. and I can tell you I really liked the intro here. As lady said, you've done a good job evoking an image and my appetite is now whetted in that I want more. You have a flare for words and I'm sure this will be a great read. On a side note. Before you get rich and famous from this novel, could you give me a signed copy with the inscription being: Dear Ebay, erm..I mean, To my Dear friend Biorogue (you know my real name, you can put that in later) Without your wisdom, encouragement and wise cracks, this novel would have never come to fruition. Please accept this blank check.. ahem *cough* oops, got carried away. You'll figure out something to write. Black ink please.

2011-12-12 21:12:00 Author: biorogue Posts: 8424

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lol! i wouldnt get that far ahead of myself yet! Thanks though bio It's lovely to hear so many different viewpoints. The ebay comment really made me snort lol

2011-12-12 21:25:00 Author: rialrees Posts: 1015

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Idiot. If only read that one word, I would have for sure thought you were talking about me. However, the rest of the read clearly proved it was not me. For an old dude who?s not much for reading big books since he?s had kids, I say the short snippet I read was good enough for me to command you to finish it. Good luck.

2011-12-12 23:36:00 Author: peoriaspitfire Posts: 359

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It's good. I think i would have probably kept reading for at least a while longer, but I don't think it would be enough to convince me that I was going to read the entire book. Then again a lot of the books I've really enjoyed started out that way.

2011-12-13 01:55:00 Author: tdarb Posts: 689

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@peoria - I certainly hope to finish it! My track record so far hasn't been so good...but then I've never got 28000 words done before, so you never know @td - thanks for your honesty, and your incredibly detailed pm. I do agree with many points you brought up (was in a little bit of a hurry this morning, sorry XD) and I know this is far from polished yet. Still at least two re-edits and tonnes of proofreading before I can happily call any of it 'finished'. Your advice has been noted, and I'm sure I'll find it useful to bear in mind throughout the edit process, thank you <3

2011-12-13 21:57:00 Author: rialrees Posts: 1015

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It's was great, it uses a very detailed vocabulary and sometimes I have trouble making a picture of what I'm reading, and I had no trouble getting a idea of the scene. I would have wished to read the part before the section of it that you showed, because I was confused. Not because the book was confusing, I just need to read part 1 to understand part 2. Great job over all, I hope to see this book when it's done!

2011-12-14 22:10:00 Author: ZeusInTraining Posts: 99

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I like it. Evocative and concise. Good luck with it if you pursue it!

2011-12-15 18:56:00 Author: julesyjules Posts: 1156

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thanks both Re zeus - this is the very first page of the book. it intentionally leaves a few questions unanswered to tease the reader. the whole point is to get you asking questions like "what on earth is going on?" to entice you to read further - but trust me, these questions are all answered in due course I'm really glad to hear you had a good picture of the scene in mind though, thank you Re jules: 'concise' is a word i was actually really hoping to hear! my memory of young adult fiction is that it tends to not 'faff about' like fiction for older readers. descriptions are short, just there to do the job, instead of breaking into long wordy paragraphs that might lose younger readers. so this little piece of feedback is wonderful to hear too - thank you EDIT: Just so you guys know I don't just look at your advice/criticism and ignore it lol - here's the first edit of this section, using both your advice and some advice given to my through pms Max Hartman sprinted through the dense forest, wincing as stray branches lashed at his face. The moon shone brightly through the canopy, reflected in the puddles underfoot. He could hear the roar of motorcycles over his shoulder. He had to lose them. Taking a sharp turn, he ducked down a small winding path which weaved sharply through the trees. Max bobbed and weaved, avoiding any branch or stray rock that tried to block his path. His legs ached; even his resilient muscles couldn't withstand being chased for so long. He'd been on the run for hours, although the bikers had only discovered his route around an hour ago. Small clouds of condensation formed from his breath meeting the cold night air. The end of the path flashed into view – he could almost smell his family home. He saw light in the distance. His mother would be curled up in bed, reading some soppy romance novel, his father was probably off leading one of the Damarch campaigns. Why weren't they looking for him? Headlights illuminated his path from behind. A motorbike roared past his right ear, before skidding to a halt ahead of him. Max stumbled, landing on the ground with a dull thud. “You're from the corporation.” He sputtered, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. Aware of his moment of weakness, he flashed a cocky grin. “Guys, seriously. I told you already – I don't do second dates!” The figure walked slowly towards him, forming nothing more than a blurred silhouette in the stark beam of light. Max caught a brief glint of light flash from something in the biker's hands. He knew from experience that it was a taser gun. His heart picked up a beat, pounding even more madly against his ribs. He stood, readying himself to run once more. Another motorbike snarled behind him. He whirled around to face his new opponent, forgetting the first. Idiot. He felt a sharp pain in his thigh, lost control of his limbs, and fell to the ground. A sudden pain screamed in his head, and all went dark. I'm really happy with the improvements made so far, so thanks to everyone for your honest opinions

2011-12-15 21:48:00 Author: rialrees Posts: 1015

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I was off on that, sorry, but it would be a good idea to do that! If they have questions about the book that will convince them to keep reading!

2011-12-15 22:09:00 Author: ZeusInTraining Posts: 99

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