Archive: 2 posts

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The Breaking dawn. Michael Looked up, In the distance he spotted a car. "Oh no, they've caught on to me" He decided to make a break for it. He leaped from the light into the alleyway. The car went by, It seemed to take an eternity, but it went by. Michael took a breath, he was relieved. Phew, he thought. He decided it was too risky to stay there He walked along the empty street, wary that at any moment he would be caught. He had to get back He had a new life waiting. He wouldn't have to hide anymore, if he could only reac- *Bang* The bullet flew through the air, hitting him right in the arm. He had been spotted!If only he had have taken the right way, rather than the easy way. He reached into his jacket pocket, and pulled out a pistol. He waited, pretending to be dead. He saw movement on the roof, the enemy sniper! He turned and shot. He thought he had missesd but then, what luck! the enemy sniper fell of the rooftop. "I have to get back" Michael thought. He decided to wait, after all..the dawn was breaking

2011-10-28 19:37:00 Author: Valeview Posts: 1581

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Hmmmmm. Use more sensory details so that the imagery is better. Also, improve your diction. Don't just choose more complicated words, but words that would add richness to the story and also maybe use figurative language. Try to make the reader feel more invested in the character, that way a greater feeling of suspense and connection is created. So that whatever the character is feeling, the reader will be feeling it too. Creating emotional investement in the character is really hard to do in such a short passage though because investement usually comes through time spent understanding the character. You could take the shorter route by adding some sort of short depressing background story to the character. Then people feel sympathetic towards the character and then the connection could be made through that. Just keep on writing and you'll get better P.S. Vary your sentence length more frequently. The whole story feel sort of choppy.

2011-10-29 06:02:00 Author: Amigps Posts: 564

Posts: 1077139    Threads: 69970    Members: 9661    Archive-Date: 2019-01-19

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