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The Funny Statements Thread!

Archive: 29 posts


This is probably going to be an epic fail thread but here goes nothing!

Basically, just post any funny statement, story, etc. that you find anywhere! In a book, in a movie, on the web, in a game, ANYWHERE!

To start us off:

1. Can you cry underwater?

2. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide whether you need more.

3. Death is hereditary.

4. There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

5. An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

6. Many things can be preserved in alcohol. Dignity is not one of them.

7. Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

8. When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

9. Cheer up, the worst is yet to come .

10. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

11. Well done is better than well said .

12. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

13. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

14. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

15. Where there's a will there are five hundred relatives.

16. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die
2011-10-03 06:00:00

Author:
Speedynutty68
Posts: 1614


"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped!"
Groucho Marx
2011-10-03 06:25:00

Author:
Macnme
Posts: 1970


The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. 2011-10-03 15:55:00

Author:
Unknown User


"What killed the Dinosaurs? THE ICE AGE!"- Arnold Schwarzenegger2011-10-07 01:53:00

Author:
Sylux
Posts: 74


"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 7572011-10-07 04:21:00

Author:
Outlaw-Jack
Posts: 5757


What kind of idiot never expects what he'd find in a box of chocolates? >_>2011-10-07 04:31:00

Author:
RockSauron
Posts: 10882


"Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good."
- Karl Pilkington.
2011-10-07 05:12:00

Author:
Mr_T-Shirt
Posts: 1477


"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." ~Douglas Adams2011-10-07 13:17:00

Author:
Flamento
Posts: 352


"Now how do you put out a fire?"
"By wizzing on it."
"Yeah, that's a real smart remark coming from a stupid kid."
"I'd love to see you try and put out a fire where YOU'RE going."
2011-10-07 18:54:00

Author:
Sackpapoi
Posts: 1195


Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. 2011-10-07 23:28:00

Author:
Unknown User


in the city, you must fight to survive, he sold tortillas on the orner and the mob wantes in
i duuuno who this guy is but i want some of him and his tortillas...
arnold schwartzinegger,
you bettetr listen to me they are TRYING TO TAKE MY TORTILLAS! GET DOWN! GET DOWN AGAIN!
little tortilla boy...
pablo fransisco look it up its hilarious.
2011-10-08 01:41:00

Author:
Unknown User


"Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Yours is just stupid."2011-10-08 04:31:00

Author:
Outlaw-Jack
Posts: 5757


"I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
Last Words of John Sedgwick before being shot in the head by a sniper.
2011-10-09 10:41:00

Author:
Macnme
Posts: 1970


"OK, I won't" - Elvis Presely, after his girlfriend told him not to fall asleep in the bathroom.2011-10-09 11:53:00

Author:
kirbyman62
Posts: 1893


"I'm ashamed of you, dodging that way. They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."
Last Words of John Sedgwick before being shot in the head by a sniper.

How very ironic, and sad.

Mostly ironic though.
2011-10-10 16:24:00

Author:
Flamento
Posts: 352


The world ending on 21st or 28th of this month i think thats hilarious.2011-10-10 17:08:00

Author:
The_Lil_JoKeR
Posts: 745


Why is it called tourist season if we can?t shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor?..
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ?where?s the self-help section?? she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to ?get away from it all??
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn?t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word ?lisp? to have ?s? n it?
2011-10-10 19:30:00

Author:
Unknown User


A

Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and has started growing in the middle.

Advice is free: The right answer will cost plenty.

After all is said and done, more is said than done.

All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the flame of a single candle.

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

Always try to be modest. And be darn proud of it!

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

B

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.

Blessed are the pessimistic for they hath made backups.

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong.

C

Children may close their ears to advice, but they keep their eyes open to example.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it’s stopped snowing .

A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

The customer is always right but not always pleasant.

D

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Don’t hate yourself in the morning – sleep till noon.

Duct tape is a lot like the Force. It has a Dark Side, it has a Light Side, and it binds the galaxy together…

E

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Endeavor to so live that when you die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Every time I think I’ve hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lessons afterwards.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

F

Few women admit their age, Fewer men act it!

A filing cabinet is where papers get lost alphabetically.

Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired, mired, fired.

G

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.

A good test for conversation: if you wouldn’t write it and sign your name to it, don’t say it.

Good resolutions are often checks drawn on an account with insufficient funds.

The great essentials of happiness are something to do, something to love and something to hope for.

H

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

The haves and the have-nots can often be traced back to the dids and the did-nots.

The highest reward for man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand….

I

I don’t exaggerate. I just remember bigger than most people.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I have a mind like a steel trap – rusted open.

I haven’t lost my mind. It’s backed up on tape somewhere.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don’t succeed, give up, no use being a **** fool.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

If both of us thought alike, one of us would not be necessary.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

IF Pro is the Opposite of Con, What Is The Opposite of Progress? Congress!!

If you’re going in the wrong direction, God allows u-turns.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to… expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

If you don’t learn from your mistakes, what’s the point of making them?

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.

If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you were somebody else, would you want to be friends with you?

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It has been determined that research causes cancer in rats.

It is harder to conceal ignorance than to acquire knowledge.

It is when we forget ourselves that we do things that are most likely to be remembered.

It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong.

It will do no good to get on the right track if you are headed in the wrong direction.

J

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

K

Keep your ideals high enough to inspire you and low enough to encourage you.

L

Language is a wonderful thing. It can be used to express our thoughts, to conceal our thoughts, or to replace thinking.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Leaders go down in history — some farther down than others.

Leadership has been defined as the ability to hide your panic from others.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate.

Life is complex: part real, part imaginary.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

M

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

The measure of man’s real character is what he would do it he knew he would never get caught.

The mistake a lot of politicians make is forgetting they’ve been appointed and thinking they’ve been anointed.

The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.

The more you know, the more you know you ought to know.

N

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

No matter how far money goes, it still can’t go as far as the next paycheck.

No matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

O

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

One of the mysteries of life is how the boy who wasn’t considered good enough to marry the daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

One reason folks get into trouble is that trouble usually starts out being fun.

One trouble with the world is that so many people who stand up vigorously for their rights fall down miserably on their duties.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

P

People who do the world’s real work don’t usually wear neckties.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Practice makes perfect, so be careful what you practice.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

The quickest way to get a lot of undivided attention is to make a mistake.

People who wonder where the younger generation is headed for would do well to consider where it came from.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Q

R

The really productive ups and downs are getting up in the morning and down to work.

The reason we never see ourselves as others see us is that we’d never believe what we saw.

A reckless driver is a person who passes you on the highway in spite of all you can do.

S

Save time… see it my way.

Some people get lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory.

Some people spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A sure-fire formula for making a good speech: have a good beginning and a good ending–and keep them as close together as possible.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can’t spell.

T

Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

There can’t be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is nothing so comforting as the patter of little children’s feet about a home, because the moment the sound stops one knows that they are up to something they shouldn’t be.

There is nothing that upsets a person quite as much as having company drop in and see the house looking as it usually does.

There needs to be fewer Republican Senators and fewer Democratic Senators, and many more United States Senators.

Thinking is when your mouth stays shut and your head keeps talking to itself.

This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Those who complain about the way the ball bounces are usually the ones who dropped it.

Time may be a great healer, but it certainly is no beauty operator.

Trains stop at train stations
Buses stop at bus stations
On my desk is a workstation.

A true friend is one who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

U

Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once…

V

W

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

What most people want these days is less to do, more time to do it, and more pay for not getting it done.

When adults act like children, they are called silly. When children act like adults, they are called delinquent.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When our children are old enough not to say or do anything in public to disgrace us, they have reached an age when the things we do and say embarrass them.

A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

Wild horses couldn’t drag a secret out of most women. Unfortunately, women seldom have lunch with wild horses.

With every right there is a responsibility. Just once, I wish someone would demand his responsibility.

A woman wants one man to meet her every need. A man wants every woman to meet his one need.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he DOES want.

Work is the easiest thing man has ever invented to escape boredom.

Work like you don’t need money,
Love like you’ve never been hurt,
And dance like no one’s watching.

X

Y

Years wrinkle the skin, but lack of enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

You are only young once. After that, you have to think up some other excuse.

You can’t keep people from having bad opinions about you, but you can keep them from being true.

You cannot build a reputation on the things you are going to do.

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

You only live once, but if you live right, once is enough.

Z

Misc.

Comment from a correspondent in Australia on the U.S. political scene: “Thank God you got the puritans while we only got the convicts.”
2011-10-11 04:45:00

Author:
Speedynutty68
Posts: 1614


just heard this one a few days ago lol.

Imagine if the indians gave the pilgrams a donkey instead of a turkey. We would all have a piece of *** for thanks thanksgiving.
2011-10-11 05:08:00

Author:
Smurfetta5683
Posts: 299


Knowledge comes with aging, knowledge.. Oh and winkles too. 2011-10-11 13:33:00

Author:
Unknown User


There is a great need for sarcasm font.2011-10-14 14:37:00

Author:
Bash
Posts: 39


"Concentrate!"
"I'm not concentrated. I eat my ruffage."

Where do you have to be to blow a whistle?
Behind it. D'OH.
2011-10-14 18:54:00

Author:
Sackpapoi
Posts: 1195


I thibk i can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.
This should find out what seperates the wheat from the sheep.
Is everyone else in the world a moron, or is it just me?
I Tell you, we're going to come out of this smelling like genuises
I want quality not quantity, but lots of it!
I don't want to put all my monkeys in one barrel.
Also, my sig!
2011-10-14 22:24:00

Author:
Valeview
Posts: 1581


This. Sentence. Is. False.
don't think about it. don't think about it. don't think about it.
2011-10-16 06:12:00

Author:
Xtrahuman
Posts: 431


How do you find a lost Rabbit? You make a noise like a carrot. 2011-10-16 07:57:00

Author:
Unknown User


How do you find a lost Rabbit? You make a noise like a carrot.
Oh, thanks. I've been looking in my box of Trix cereal this whole time.
2011-10-16 18:00:00

Author:
Sackpapoi
Posts: 1195


"What is the best lunch to hunt?"
"Potatoes (Because they can't run away, or scream for help)"
2011-10-16 18:03:00

Author:
Valeview
Posts: 1581


"What is the best lunch to hunt?"
"Potatoes (Because they can't run away, or scream for help)"

Say that to Grunt_Fire...
2011-10-18 07:29:00

Author:
alaskadawn
Posts: 101


that's A roddy Doyle quote! >.>2011-10-21 19:17:00

Author:
Valeview
Posts: 1581


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