Archive: 8 posts

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This is a short story I had to write for an English internal, I got an Excellence in it, enjoy. Also feedback would be nice Talons of Fire Swirling smoke and thick ash swept throughout the small isolated valley hiding the smouldering village that sat in the middle, ransacked and fallen. The once protective houses, now charred and black, lay like carcasses, stripped of their skin. Nothing was left whole and untouched, all was destroyed. Bodies lay in masses, broken and burnt, no sign of life was left. A short distance away, enveloped in the swirling smoke, a solitary figure stood, overlooking the ruin. Blowing in the strong wind, his raven black hair was wild and untameable. Raven-like eyes shone through the dark ash, sharp and piercing, challenging all that its gaze fell upon. With a dark gauntlet he clasped firmly onto his majestic sword, like a great raven clasping onto a branch. His black cloak flapping behind him as if he would at any moment take flight. Like a raven on the darkest of nights, staring out upon the world, he stood tall and alert. His obscure image reflected his melancholic mood, as dark and depressing as the clothes that he wore. Like tunnels into his soul, his eyes were black and hollow. He was an unwilling death omen, wherever he strayed Death followed him, willing to devour all he loved. So he had hardened his soul, reinforcing it in an unbreakable case forged by his mind. Like a raven abandoning its flock, he had left the world of man, separating himself from all that could be destroyed. A solitary tear rolled down his hardened face, splashing onto the ash-covered ground, like a dewdrop dripping from a leaf. His impenetrable armour that protected his soul now lay shattered, and his emotions flooded through. Grief and sorrow possessed him, wrapping themselves around him, fuelling him, trying to satisfy his anger which was about to explode like a volcano. He was so close to being drowned in his emotions, but he mastered his emotions and drained them away. With absolute will power he mended his souls protective armour and once again became emotionless. Absent-mindedly his grip on his sword tightened as he saw the mutilated bodies and looked around, quickly scanning the area for survivors. There would be no survivors, there never were, but he could not help but hope. He thought back to the first fire, the first of many. He was a young man then, barely into his manhood, but the sights he saw would last a lifetime. His family sprung to mind, and he thought back to how he had come home from a long day in the field, only to find what remained of his wife and kids, a pile of black ash. Anger flooded through him as he recalled that dreadful day, but it soon subsided rushing back into his armoured soul. Who would be so ruthless and cruel to do such a thing? What could possibly possess them? Why? He had spent most of his life pondering this but had found no answer. How could someone dismiss a village as easily as they could an anthill? Where could destruction and mayhem come from? Why? If he could sacrifice himself for all who had been slaughtered, if he could bring back the dead for the price of his soul, he would in an instant, His life was nothing, he was not worthy enough to keep on living. A speck of sand, that?s what he was, dismissed and trampled on. No longer though, he would rise up like a raven taking flight. Justice and Liberty would be brought to those who cannot fight or speak up. Like a raven he would strike out and battle the wolf, talons against claws, until one falls. ?Freedom has a price, and I shall pay that price with my life!? His voice erupted out, hard and sharp, cutting down all other noise like a sword slicing through the very cords of sound. The raven had cawed, challenging all around him. He dismantled his soul?s armour, holding his emotions in place, for without emotions he was as cruel and harsh as his nemesis. He sheathed his sword, turned and walked away, disappearing into the twirling ash and smoke, just as the first rays of light lit up the valley, making it shine radiantly. iLEGEND

2010-12-03 06:46:00 Author: iLEGEND Posts: 158

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my only concern (and this may have been intentional) was the repition of the raven. otherwise very good.

2010-12-03 09:29:00 Author: Unknown User

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yeah, I was concerned over that, but my teacher told us to keep the same metaphor throughout the whole text, which was kinda annoying Thanks

2010-12-03 10:03:00 Author: iLEGEND Posts: 158

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Excellent is right!! That was really good! Very descriptive. With my imagination and the way you described it, to me it was made into an epic movie intro for me. (in my mind) A way you could have avoided the raven so much would be comparing the attributes and things that a raven has to the guy. Example like relating to darkness maybe, you kinda did this. Some things that we discuss in school is not always what is said, but how it is said. Like punctuation, and formation of the words in the sentence. Things like that would help it. It's very good!

2010-12-03 18:51:00 Author: bmoney2310 Posts: 187

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Wow I found that interesting! I loved it all, very discriptive aswell! if it was a level I would rate :star::star::star::star::star: and <3

2010-12-03 18:58:00 Author: Unknown User

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I agree with q1q1111q1wer's comment!!

2010-12-03 19:14:00 Author: bmoney2310 Posts: 187

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Thanks for all the good comments guys, much appreciated

2010-12-04 02:47:00 Author: iLEGEND Posts: 158

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no prob! a great story is hard to find these days!

2010-12-04 17:52:00 Author: Unknown User

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