Archive: 49 posts

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I was looking through another forum besides LBPCentral and went into the OT thread and found this story. The story might be long, but I think it is work the read. Hopefully it'll teach people a lesson or two. This IS a PG site, and the other place wasn't, so I have taken the liberty to censor out the bad words without taking away it's... funny-ness. __________________________________________________ _____________________________________ This is the confession of a gum-swallower. I admit it. For as long as I can remember, I have always swallowed my bubble gum instead of throwing it out. This used to be a major subject of contention with my mother when I was a child, as she was convinced that the practice would lead to my untimely demise. The gum mass was indigestible according to her, you see, and as such could not pass properly through the gastrointestinal tract. I was at great risk of numerous medical conditions because of this questionable assertion, including "twisted intestines," "stomach pileup," and choking to death on my own vomit after the bubble gum body inevitably attempts to escape through my esophagus, closing the pipes indefinitely on the way out. Naturally, I never believed a single word the old lady said. I've been a gum-swallower my entire life, right up until my mid-20s. It was only then that I experienced a veritable epiphany of how wise my mother may actually have been. Several weeks ago, I purchased a fairly large quantity of Dubble Bubble for my new office gum ball machine. The amount of gum I acquired was directly proportional to my own developed taste for the product, since it resembled crack cocaine in addictiveness. After originally buying the pre-filled gum ball machine, I'd proceeded to consume almost the entire contents in just a few short days, and thought I'd better stock up on the stuff if I was to maintain a positive relationship with my young child. Unfortunately, much like Al Pacino in "Scarface," when confronted with such a sizeable amount of pseudo-cocaine, I attacked it with relish. I practically lived off bubble gum for several days. I couldn't get enough. I ate six, seven, sometimes eight small globes at a time in an attempt to find the perfect mix of synthetic flavors. I studied the texture of chewed gum by placing the most perfect tooth and fingerprint impressions ever taken outside of a crime lab. I watched with fascination as I created drab shades of gray from the most myriad selection of brightly colored items. I was almost a scientist of bubble gum by the end of those few days, you see. And each experiment became yet another lump lying heavy on my stomach. Alas, I was destined for trouble. After consuming such a vast quantity of bubble gum, certain bodily processes started to become strange. My bowel movements rotated from frequent to nearly constipated for several days. For the life of me, I couldn't predict at what point the need to crap would attack. When I did plop down to plop, both the defecation process and the subsequent wiping would seem almost... Sticky. This went on for another day or two. It was only then that an event occurred that would change my philosophy on gum swallowing forever. Perhaps the bolus of evil had lodged itself in my colon somewhere just as my mother claimed it would, or perhaps the passing of such hideousness naturally requires an extended length of time; I fear I will never know the answer. All I know is that during an otherwise perfectly normal evening of watching television and reading a book, the cramps began. I'm reasonably confident that I know what childbirth feels like now. It felt as though my colon was uncoiling and recoiling itself within my abdomen. I rushed to the bathroom and sat down, expecting a torrent of acidic pain. Ah, if only I'd been so lucky! When the defecation came, it felt as though it came out sideways. My sphincter cried out in agony, the toilet sang in joy at the miracle it was about to receive. When I regained consciousness and brought myself to the point of wiping, I discovered the true horror of the evening. Before continuing, I consider it necessary to make one qualification. I possess a rather... how you say, furry posterior. I freely admit this. I am a man of gum swallowing and a hairy a*s. A hairy a*s that was now virtually plastered with partially digested bubble gum. If you've ever tried to get gum out of the hair on your head, you'll understand the conundrum that I was in. Once bubble gum has attached itself to the hair follicle, the two are inseparable. Inseparable like night and day. Inseparable like my a*s CHEEKS now were, welded together with a mass of rapidly hardening cement. After realizing what had happened, I understandably wished to keep the gravity of the situation private. One does not glue his a*s cheeks together with fecal bubble gum and spread the proverbial word, you see. And so, I sat and thought. Thought HARD. What do you do? How am I going to get myself out of this one? Okay, let's think about this. We have an uneven mass of bubble gum in the a*s hair. It needs to come out, obviously. But how do you get gum out of hair? I recall someone telling me that peanut butter is the only recourse. No, eff that, I'm not making a sandwich in my a*s. The thought of slathering brown sludge in with other brown sludge was not appealing. Well, option number one: rip it out. old school, yo!!. So, using a small strip of toilet paper as a [****zle]-shield, I grabbed a lump of the offending plaster and yanked. WELL HOLY BUGGERY DUCKNUTS, BATMAN! That made my eyes water and my skull expand. Option number one is officially discarded. Where do we go from here? Well, maybe option number one isn't *totally* flawed. I'll take a shower! That'll loosen it up, right? WRONG. The bubble gum has become ONE with my a*s hair now. They are no longer separate entities by any stretch of the imagination. They are joined at the cellular level. Their electrons circle each other in a spinning mass of beauty and PAIN. Now what? The taint is an area of the body far too sensitive to have hair ripped from it. You might as well expect me to rip off my arm to scratch an itch on my finger. It was around then that I came to the only logical conclusion. We have to *shave* it out, old bean. I'm sorry, dear sweet anus, but it's the only way. But what shall I shave it with, dear Liza, dear Liza? I can't use the hand razor I shave my face with, certainly; would I be able to shear my whiskers every morning while knowing where it had been? That microglobs of poo-gum were being ground into my cheeks and neck? No, certainly not! I do, however, have a small beard trimmer that might do the job. It was only a few dollars at Wal-Mart, after all; I can burn it when I'm done. Alrighty then, pants off, left leg up on the sink, offending mass of bubble gum presented comfortably, mirror positioned on the floor to help me aim. Okay, razor on, let's do this thing! DEAR SWEET ZOMBIE IT'S STUCK! Well isn't this wonderful, the undeniable reflex to jump and run from pain has kicked in! I'm now hopping around the bathroom with this two inch electric razor jammed firmly into my a*s, dangling around like some sort of freakish technological tail. The forces of physics have turned on me now. Gravity pulls the razor down as the momentum of my pain dance spins and twists it ever further into the tenderness of my crack. Screams begin to emerge through my gritted teeth. I try desperately to avoid waking my child and/or alerting my delightfully unsuspicious wife. After all, what would I tell them? "Are you okay, dear?" "Daddy, what's wrong?" "Oh, nothing much. I tried to shave the bubblegum out of my a*s, don't mind me, go back to sleep!" Okay, I've calmed myself down. I cradle the offending piece of plastic and agony in an attempt to reduce the pressure on my tormented rectum. Well now you're in a real pickle, eh? You thought it couldn't get any worse, didn't you? It was around this point that I started to get my head on straight. One must keep in mind how difficult it is to employ high-level cognitive abilities when one is experiencing pain in his most sensitive of areas. Thankfully, my wits had returned. The razor wasn't going to come out. I was faced with several options: A) Shave it out. B) Cut it out. Solution A wasn't viable since I'd already destroyed my only non-vital razor. The only problem with B was that there were no scissors in the bathroom; in fact, the only scissors I could think of were down the hall, within the cutlery drawer of the kitchen. My wife was using the computer in the living room, and could very likely see the bathroom door... Yet the pros greatly outweighed the cons. So, hopping like a crippled dog, I held the electric beard trimmer firmly against my battered a*s hair and fumbled my way down the hall, praying to any possible deities that my wife wouldn't take this occasion to come get a snack or a glass of water. There was no answer for the situation I was in. The fates decided to smile upon me, I suppose. It seems perfectly reasonable that they would, of course, since they'd taken it upon themselves to so thoroughly destroy my sanity up until that point. I managed to duck-walk my way back to the bathroom, and with a carefulness that only a surgeon could appreciate, delicately extracted the clipper from myself. Using the scissors, it didn't take all that long to snip away the majority of my post-gum. I shaved two long swaths into my **, in fact, which resulted in the most agonizing discomfort over the next few days. Imagine rubbing two sheets of coarse sandpaper together. Then imagine a thin coat of unabsorbed poop-sweat turning the whole thing into a circus of embarrassment and skid marks. If there's a deep and philosophical message to be found in what I've written, it's lost on me. All I know is that under no circumstances should you ever... EVER... swallow your bubble gum.

2010-08-12 21:04:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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O_O ... The game ...

2010-08-12 21:12:00 Author: Frinklebumper Posts: 941

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O_O ... The game ... Something wrong there, mate? Lol.

2010-08-12 21:19:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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wow ROFL! I never swallow my gum, i don't chew it much anyway,

2010-08-12 21:20:00 Author: Snrm Posts: 6419

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I chew WAY too much, but don't swallow it. When school's on, I'll chew about 8 pieces a day. Way, way too much.. Lol

2010-08-12 21:23:00 Author: piggabling Posts: 2979

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzUqGX6p98o I believe that's the appropriate reaction to that story.

2010-08-12 21:23:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzUqGX6p98o I believe that's the appropriate reaction to that story. Hahahahaha

2010-08-12 21:29:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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I believe I've swallowed a good 25 packs of bubble tape, if not more, in my life lol

2010-08-12 21:32:00 Author: Unknown User

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What the? I don't even...

2010-08-12 21:37:00 Author: trip090 Posts: 1562

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I feel sorry for this guy. And I am glad I don't swallow gum. I have not been near gum the last months either, so ...

2010-08-12 21:44:00 Author: moonwire Posts: 1627

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I believe I've swallowed a good 25 packs of bubble tape, if not more, in my life lol Doom is near! For you bowels that is.

2010-08-12 21:45:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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http://img299.imageshack.us/img299/1361/ccew1jxbr6oikq7p7eza0q8.jpg

2010-08-12 21:50:00 Author: Rabid-Coot Posts: 6728

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o.O l'll never swallow gum again.

2010-08-12 21:54:00 Author: Balgarino Posts: 377

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o.O l'll never swallow gum again. Your welcome

2010-08-12 21:55:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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I hope this thread does not get modded, I think it is quite a nice way to warn people. Plus, this is LMAO (almost literary) material

2010-08-12 22:03:00 Author: moonwire Posts: 1627

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http://www.motifake.com/image/demotivational-poster/0802/swallowing-your-gum-demotivational-poster-1203359781.jpg

2010-08-12 22:03:00 Author: napero7 Posts: 1653

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Aha. A tale indeed of winning an Oscar. And lolnapero.

2010-08-12 22:23:00 Author: Ricano Posts: 434

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Too Long Didnt read

2010-08-12 22:50:00 Author: Unknown User

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Too Long Didnt read Where's the dislike button on your comment!!? D:<

2010-08-13 18:51:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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god, i just had to link to this on another forum... THIS (www.pokefarm.org) one to be exact, well, half forum anyways... this is funny as hell!

2010-08-13 21:20:00 Author: theswweet Posts: 2468

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My teacher in high school told us about how all the gum would gather in our belly - not digesting and from that day on I stopped swallowing the gum. GLAD I DID.

2010-08-13 22:58:00 Author: BasketSnake Posts: 2391

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My teacher in high school told us about how all the gum would gather in our belly - not digesting and from that day on I stopped swallowing the gum. GLAD I DID. Your teacher is very wise

2010-08-13 23:21:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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Now I know what rubber + hot glue + hair + your a** results in...

2010-08-13 23:26:00 Author: gdn001 Posts: 5891

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This made me laugh so much! Sorry! If I did eat gum this would definitely be enough to turn me off swallowing the stuff.. EVER!

2010-08-14 00:13:00 Author: OneEyedBanshee Posts: 1370

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I swallowed an entire roll of bubble tape at once a really long time ago, and nothing happened to me.

2010-08-14 00:25:00 Author: Arkei Posts: 1432

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Oh once my friend decide to chew a bubble gum the size of a golf ball, I remeber it turned into a... thing. I don't remeber if he swallowed that, but I think he didn't, he would choke to death with that thing.

2010-08-14 00:27:00 Author: gdn001 Posts: 5891

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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!I CANT STOP LAUGHING!!AHAHA!!MY PARENTS!!STARING AHAH!!! [calms down] ok im fine now im gonna have a little case of the giggles every now and then.ANyway i have swallowed gum before...i sort have choked on it..but i was forced to swallow it because i was about to go on a rollercoaster and i couldnt spit it out because there where SO MANY PEOPLE AROUND ME

2010-08-14 02:04:00 Author: domoqueen Posts: 170

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Well I only swallow around 5 bubblegum tape in my life mostly all of them happen in an airplane because chewing bubblegum helps you will you are in a plane lol The other one you do not want to know O_0 http://icons.iconator.com/785/ICONATOR_928e189ad0a48c804fd0ef8aadbc7cca.gif

2010-08-14 02:06:00 Author: Arnald23 Posts: 1843

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Wow; he totally fooled me there.

2010-08-14 04:38:00 Author: Count Posts: 315

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I don't chew 8 pieces of gum at a time and swallow it all down, and then continue to eat gum like a junkie. I'll keep swallowing gum, thank you.

2010-08-14 05:05:00 Author: qrtda235566 Posts: 3664

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I don't chew 8 pieces of gum at a time and swallow it all down, and then continue to eat gum like a junkie. I'll keep swallowing gum, thank you. You have been warned, sir.

2010-08-15 07:11:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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This thread has gotten quite well... quiet! (Hopefully this post will bring this thread back to the first back for more readers.)

2010-08-28 21:06:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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Going for the republishing trick, eh? http://gyazo.com/3593ea8341ef1a6e3bc5a3addd1027f8.png

2010-08-28 22:27:00 Author: gdn001 Posts: 5891

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Going for the republishing trick, eh? http://gyazo.com/3593ea8341ef1a6e3bc5a3addd1027f8.png Huuuuhh?!! What ever are you talking about?

2010-08-28 22:34:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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I feel sorry for this guy.

2010-08-29 01:40:00 Author: Jaslow Posts: 775

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pretty dramatic and crazy O_O, anyway bubble gum can't stick onto the intestines or digestive conduit of a person (due to that there's no place for the gum to sick in there, don't get scared ppl, there's no way that plastic, yes plastic, chewing gum is like a plastic, can be processed by the organism, so as it gets in it gets out)

2010-08-29 07:19:00 Author: Ragnarok Posts: 898

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pretty dramatic and crazy O_O, anyway bubble gum can't stick onto the intestines or digestive conduit of a person (due to that there's no place for the gum to sick in there, don't get scared ppl, there's no way that plastic, yes plastic, chewing gum is like a plastic, can be processed by the organism, so as it gets in it gets out) Yes, bubble gum can HOPEFULLY be successfully passed through, or if you posses a rather furry posterior, you're in for a treat.

2010-08-29 07:38:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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Yes, bubble gum can HOPEFULLY be successfully passed through, or if you posses a rather furry posterior, you're in for a treat. "The pipe will only clog at the end"

2010-08-29 13:43:00 Author: gdn001 Posts: 5891

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Sweetcorn's indigestible, so's plenty of other things. Plus, if you're chewing 8 pieces of gum at a time, all the time, you can hardly complain if something does go wrong. It's perfectly Ok to swallow bubblegum, as long as you don't eat more bubblegum than you do food.

2010-08-29 19:41:00 Author: resistance1 Posts: 812

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I have only swallowed three or four pieces of chewing gum in my life! I am glad that I believed that whole "A gum tree will grow in your stomach" gag from my parents when I was young. XD Thanks for this interesting story! I laughed my butt off!

2010-08-29 21:40:00 Author: theonlybub Posts: 690

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woah LOLOL that just made my day

2010-08-29 21:57:00 Author: buddy_hamster123 Posts: 376

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I swallowed gum today. I'll let you know how it goes.

2010-09-01 20:19:00 Author: qrtda235566 Posts: 3664

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No sticky poop that pulls out my butthole hairs. I am god.

2010-09-04 05:18:00 Author: qrtda235566 Posts: 3664

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No sticky poop that pulls out my butthole hairs. I am god. you sir are a legend.

2010-09-04 06:24:00 Author: Snrm Posts: 6419

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if i ever swallow my gum because someone scared me or punch me, ill say this "you made me swallow my gum, THAT'S GOING TO BE IN MY DIGESTIVE TRACK FOR 7 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!" ( bonus points if you know where that quote is from)

2010-09-04 06:41:00 Author: wait wtf Posts: 853

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....LMAO! I feel your pain, as I am a asshair man too! Cleaning is such a pain. Haven't touched gum in....umm..8 years? lol Nice story tho epic XD

2010-09-04 06:41:00 Author: Unknown User

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No sticky poop that pulls out my butthole hairs. I am god. Hahahaha. Brilliant, sir! Brilliant!

2010-09-04 08:06:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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I remember when I was about 7 my dad gave me a piece of gum after school while we were waiting for my sister to finish. We were waiting in the playground and I swallowed my gum, I thought I was going to die and I cried for hours Swallowing gum just doesn't feel right. It's sort of the opposite of the urge to swallow something you've been chewing for ages. I don't get that urge when I'm chewing gum.

2010-09-04 08:41:00 Author: Plasmavore Posts: 1913

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I remember when I was about 7 my dad gave me a piece of gum after school while we were waiting for my sister to finish. We were waiting in the playground and I swallowed my gum, I thought I was going to die and I cried for hours Swallowing gum just doesn't feel right. It's sort of the opposite of the urge to swallow something you've been chewing for ages. I don't get that urge when I'm chewing gum. Hahahaha. I just love how when we were kids, and something small but abnormal happens and we all think it's the end of the world. I miss being a 7 year old where every action didn't have a consequence... Like thinking giving my dad a wet-willy was a brilliant idea.

2010-09-04 08:48:00 Author: illuminationx Posts: 860

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