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Anyone care to critique?

Archive: 9 posts


I wasn't quite sure where to post this. So I apologize if this isn't in the right forum. I've decided to enter the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award Contest (http://www.amazon.com/Breakthrough-Novel-Award-Books/b?ie=UTF8&node=332264011). I don't know if I will be the next Cormac McCarthy, more than likely not, but I was wondering if my fellow "sackies" could share their opinions on my 300 word pitch. The judging starts Jan 25th.
Is anyone else entering?

Thank you in advance.



There are 700 million among us. They crawl underneath us. They hover over us. And when we are gone, still, they will remain. However, the mindless mass has one weakness—mortality.

There are No God for Arthropods is an anthropomorphic fantasy about the lives of insects. The novel is complete at 68,000 words.

The human race has disappeared and discarded the world as a leftover. But in their absence, it is the insects that emerge and form an interdependent society. They live in the giant Sourwood, the last great sanctuary since a catastrophic incident one-hundred and fifty years ago.

Fig, a lint sized mite, toils away pruning the dead leaves off of the Sourwood. He, like most insects, will live a short life and in twenty-seven days he will die. After witnessing a horrific murder, Fig is confronted with his own fleeting fate. He crosses paths with the nihilistic Fly King who offers Fig a chance—the promise of eternal life. With only the name of Alice Abernathy and a crew of bug bunglers, Fig must wander through the twisted realm outside of the Sourwood where he will discover a truth the Fly King has been hiding for over 300 years.

There Are No Gods for Arthropods is a slight homage to Lewis Carroll’s Alice and Wonderland and would appeal to readers who enjoy satirical fiction about the comedy of life and death. During his journey, Fig encounters the mysterious and unforgiving inhabitants of the Wanderland where he experiences a reality much worse than surviving, much worse than living, and much worse than dying.
2010-01-23 16:49:00

Author:
pantspantspants
Posts: 189


I like it, it reminds me a bit of 9 even though it might be a bit different. um in the second paragraph I noticed you've put "There are No God" instead of "Gods", but that's the only grammatical error I noticed on my first read-through.2010-01-23 21:42:00

Author:
dawesbr
Posts: 3280


Thank you dawesbr.

I appreciate the review. I'm happy you found my pitch of some interest. I have seen the trailers for 9 and thought the animation was extremely enchanting, I haven't seen it yet, but I'm eager to. It's definitely a flattering comparison. I'm sort of stressing out over my manuscript for the competition. If anything, I hope I can at least get past the 1 first round of eliminations.
2010-01-23 23:10:00

Author:
pantspantspants
Posts: 189


Ha, that was hardly a review but thanks anyway If you want me to go deeper I'd say I liked the paragraph structure with the short general intro followed by the two-sentence brief and then a deeper explanation. It has a good ending with the list of three (GCSEs taught me that ). One thing I might suggest is instead of just "After witnessing a horrific murder" it should be "However, after witnessing..." as there is definitely a contrast between that and the last sentence. In all though, I'm sure you've put a lot of thought into this and it definitely shows, I do hope you go through to the end 2010-01-23 23:37:00

Author:
dawesbr
Posts: 3280


Trust me the very fact that you took a moment to read my pitch means a lot. I could definitely use a transition word between those two sentences. Good call. Just out of curiosity, what is GSCE? Is it a writing technique?2010-01-24 00:49:00

Author:
pantspantspants
Posts: 189


Haha far from it, it's the General Certificate of Secondary Education, in the UK it's the exam you (well, the vast majority of schools will teach it) take at the age of (usually) 15/16, three years before you finish "Secondary Education"...I'm not sure of the US equivalent. I say GCSEs taught me that because English involves a lot of analysis of advertisements, so your pitch slots in a bit there.2010-01-24 12:19:00

Author:
dawesbr
Posts: 3280


I think it sounds like a very cool concept. I have to admit, 9 popped into my head as well. It's about tiny sack-people (yes, sack-people) who inherit the earth after man wipes themselves out completely. The movie was alright - but I also get a little bit Secret of Nymh and Fantastic Planet from your concept, both movies I absolutely loved.

I have to now shamelessly beg you to tell me what happens. I'm unbelievably curious about Fig's fate. The 27 days til death thing is great. I must know the Fly King's secrets!!
2010-01-26 09:34:00

Author:
Teebonesy
Posts: 1937


The concept is great.

The story itself sounds enchanting and really like something I'd love to read. I'm a sucker for tales of adventure in unfamiliar lands. I'd love to hear more about fig's tale and whether or not he can accomplish such a large task in such a short amount of time. It'd also be great to hear about how the insects normally spend their lifetimes and if any others have attempted the search prior to Fig.

Pulitzer Prize winning novelist Carol Shields said that a great novel should follow the characters' search for a metaphorical home. I understand that Fig is searching for eternal life, but for what? Is he after it for the novelty? Is he afraid of death after witnessing the murder? Or is he running away from his home for absolutely no redeeming reason at all?

I suppose I'm just curious as to his character. Is he selfish or is he simply afraid? Was the murder so grizzly that he felt he needed to leave the Sourwood (his home) to search for something that may not even exist? And most importantly what growth will come out of this journey of his.

I'm just so curious that I could explode haha. I suppose that means you did a good job. Goodluck with the competition!
2010-01-26 10:07:00

Author:
fusionboxer
Posts: 37


Wow,

I thought this topic was dead in the water. I'm really humbled by the fascination you guys have in my little tale. Of course an author can't reveal her secrets. *wink*
You'd have to read the book to discover what happens to Fig and why he's afraid. Hey, I didn't slog through 68,000 words for nothing, lol!

Teebonesy, you hit on one of my greatest influences. I absolutely love the work of Don Bluth and Ralph Bakshi. I'm a sucker for traditional ink in paint animation. When I was a kid all I wanted to do was marry animator, because I was so fascinated with their world. But you guys can check out the competition, on February 25th they'll have excerpts of the book available to the viewing public to read, if they got past the "pitch" stage. Plus, at the end of the competition (if I get that far) you can vote for which story you enjoy the most.

*hint hint* lol!

Again, wow. I'm just floored.

Seriously, thank you.
2010-01-26 16:54:00

Author:
pantspantspants
Posts: 189


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