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Lame Jokes (so bad it's funny)

Archive: 77 posts

This is a thread to share your lame jokes, as the title suggests. Here are is a lame comeback that I came up with.

Insult "Your mom is so old, she accidently dusted herself up. hahaha."
Lame Comeback "Oh yeah? Well... Bill Gates!"
Counter Lame Comeback "Oh yeah? Well... Bill Gates' mom's face is ugly!?!"

And here's a car insult.

"Hey guys I just got a [insert car name here]!"
Insult "What's that? A kind of lawn mower? hahaha."

You guys can probably think of better (lamer) ones.		2009-12-11 04:57:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

Q: Why did the pumpkin cross the road?

A: To get to the other vine. *rimshot.*		2009-12-11 15:22:00

Author:
gofurr360z
Posts: 886

I like the winter very much!
...
That's pretty COOL, get it? Winter, cool...?		2009-12-11 15:43:00

Author:
konniksanders
Posts: 104

Q: Why did the pumpkin cross the road?

A: To get to the other vine. *rimshot.*

**sighs** it'd be better with grapes		2009-12-11 15:59:00

Author:
toon_army_azza
Posts: 115

Whats white and goes upwards....

A backward snowflake.		2009-12-11 16:01:00

Author:
wexfordian
Posts: 1904

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

..cause he didn't have the guts. 		2009-12-11 16:07:00

Author:
jwwphotos
Posts: 11383

aha those gave me a chuckle.

Two bags of concrete are walking in the rain.
the one says to the other:"god I hate rain, wish I was home"
the other one replies:"stop crying, you get hard from it."		2009-12-11 16:10:00

Author:
oldage
Posts: 2824

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

..cause he didn't have the guts.
:eek:...
That was sorta... funny...alot!		2009-12-11 16:20:00

Author:
konniksanders
Posts: 104

Dwarf shortage.2009-12-11 16:22:00

Author:
Rabid-Coot
Posts: 6728

Two musicians and a drummer walk into a bar....

The bassist locked his keys in the car, it took them 2 hours to get the drummer out...

Santa, the tooth fairy, a drummer with good timing and a drummer with bad timing are all in a room. There is ?50 on the floor. Who get's there first?

The drummer with bad timing, the others don't exist.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares, why wasn't she in the kitchen?		2009-12-11 16:53:00

Author:
Unknown User

Why did the ghost go to the bar?
For the Boos.

And for the chemistry/math community:
Why did the scientist throw out the bread on October 23rd?
Because it was Mole-day.		2009-12-11 19:26:00

Author:
xkappax
Posts: 2569

Doctors tell us that there are over 7 million people overweight. These, of course, are only round figures...2009-12-11 19:34:00

Author:
divemonkey1
Posts: 41

What type of sense of humor does a dust storm have? -A very dry sense of humor

The Steel Band by Lydia Dustbin

I'm not going back to school ever again Why ever not? The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions!

Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long? Because as soon as they start they get fired.		2009-12-11 19:39:00

Author:
Jedi_1993
Posts: 1518

My joke that I tell everyone... (fairly adult-y) The doctor says to the patient "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating", the patient says "why?" The doctor replies with "because I'm trying to examine you".




Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares, why wasn't she in the kitchen?

Teehee! Not to turn this into a sexist thread or anything but...

Why shouldn't you buy a women a watch? There's already a clock on the oven...		2009-12-11 19:59:00

Author:
Leather-Monkey
Posts: 2266

LOL. I love this thread.

ps - i'm a woman, so no offense. Oh, wait! What am I doing out of the kitchen?! Better rectify that. Later! 		2009-12-11 20:06:00

Author:
xkappax
Posts: 2569

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens weren't invented yet.2009-12-11 20:55:00

Author:
Burnvictim42
Posts: 3322

Here is one for the festive season:

Boy: Mum can i have a dog for christmas?
Mum: No you can have a turkey like everyone else.		2009-12-11 21:24:00

Author:
Doopz
Posts: 5592

where do cows like to go?

the mooovies hahahah get it (um yeah...)		2009-12-11 22:50:00

Author:
rseah
Posts: 2701

Dwarf shortage.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday. Couldn't find any.		2009-12-11 23:03:00

Author:
ryryryan
Posts: 3767

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday. Couldn't find any.
ahahaha I'm really ROFL'ing here
some of these "lame" jokes are actually quite funny.		2009-12-11 23:15:00

Author:
oldage
Posts: 2824

Haha you must be a fan of Tommy Cooper right? One of the best comedians of all time, my personal favourite.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MxmA9BgUO7s&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0IncFHgJNfo&feature=related

Man he makes me laugh so much!		2009-12-11 23:27:00

Author:
ryryryan
Posts: 3767

How many guys does it take to open a beer?
None, the woman should already have it open by the time she gets it to him.

Why are womens feet shorter than mens?
So they can stand closer to the sink.

What do trees drink?
Root Beer.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?
A Bay-Gull.

A man buys a fan and says "This blows."

Did you hear about the Pepsi employee that got fired? He tested positive for Coke.		2009-12-11 23:31:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

ok ok a really lame one:
kid: mom mom on school they say im blind
Guy: Boy get off the road!

i actually just invented that O_o		2009-12-11 23:32:00

Author:
Racroz
Posts: 406

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks "Does this taste funny to you?"


*GASP!*

Have you ever seen a Mime rappel down a wall?

...I have... Wasn't pretty...		2009-12-11 23:45:00

Author:
KlawwTheClown
Posts: 1106

"Police have searched unsuccesfully for a criminal with a wooden leg."
"Why don't they use their eyes?"

What's red and looks like a monster?
A red monster

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it died.

"There's no apple in my apple pie."
"So? Have you ever heard of cat in cat food?"

Name two birds that can't fly.
An ostritch and a dead parot.

Your mama so fat, when God wanted light she told her to move.

When God wants an earthquake, he tells your mom to jump.

Why do storks stand on one leg?
They'd fall over if they didn't

Your so fat you roll.		2009-12-11 23:51:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

Your so fat you roll.

Your so fat, when you sit down, you're 4 foot taller.		2009-12-11 23:58:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

Old One Here:
Hey, what's a ghost favorite lunchmeat?
Boo-logna!

One I Invented:
[Insert Your Name Here] is walking down the road with two friends, [Insert Your Friend's Name Here] and [Insert Other Friend's Name Here]. Now all three friends were tired, so they wanted to take a break. Along the road, a farm gate was unlocked. The three friends decided to head inside the property, and so they did. What they found was amazing. The farmer had left the door open while he's out tending the crops. So all three friends head inside the house, and they helped themselves with a lot of food. Just as the friends began to leave, the farmer came in. He began to yell at the three friends, saying, "I should shoot you for being on my property, but I won't, that IS if you bring me a fruit from my garden." So the three friends go into the garden. When [Insert Name Here] came back with an apple, the farmer grabs it and shoves it up [Insert Name Here] butt. Now [Insert Friend's Name Here] came back with a pineapple, and the farmer sticks the pineapple up [Insert Friend's Name Here] butt. When the farmer turned his back, [Insert Name Here] turns to mutters "Boy, do I feel bad for [Insert Other Friend's Name Here]." The friend who brought back the pineapple said, "Why?" [Insert Name Here] responds "Because, [Insert Other Friend's Name Here] went to get a watermelon."

Yup, the best one's are always the longest. 		2009-12-12 00:12:00

Author:
CyberSora
Posts: 5551

How do you get a child off a swing?

Shotgun.

Man runs over his wife, whose fault is it?

The mans, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.		2009-12-12 00:23:00

Author:
Unknown User

Two old ones for you

What did the bus driver say to the man with three heads, no arms and one leg?

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, you look 'armless, hop on!

What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable boy who brought a pin to the inflatable school?

You've let me down, you've let the school down, but worst of all you've let yourself down!

*groan*		2009-12-12 00:53:00

Author:
shropshirelass
Posts: 1455

Your so fat, when you sit down, you're 4 foot taller.

Your so fat, when you sit down you make a 4-foot crater.		2009-12-12 02:00:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

Your so fat, when you sit down you make a 4-foot crater.

You're so fat I didn't want to laugh when you fell, but the ground was crackin up.		2009-12-12 02:32:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

It's a horse that goes to the grocery store and asks for bread then the cashier ask ? white bread or brown bread?? and the horse says ? It doesn't matter I'm with cycling?2009-12-12 02:47:00

Author:
phil_003
Posts: 609

You're so fat I didn't want to laugh when you fell, but the ground was crackin up.

You so fat that when you stepped on one of the cracks, you split the world in half.

By the way, did you read the story I posted on your crazy story thread?		2009-12-12 02:57:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

What do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand? Quattro-sinko! *laughs*

What do you call the oyster that took all of the pearls? Shell-fish. *giggles*

Why did the bike fall over? It was two-tired. *grins*

What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.

Why was the boy so thirsty? He didn't get into the Water Beta.

Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin says "****, it's hot in here."
The other muffin says "Holy CRAP! A talking muffin!"

That's all for now :kz:		2009-12-12 03:05:00

Author:
iGotFancyPants
Posts: 1355

Your pro pic is perfect for this2009-12-12 03:10:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

So, a man was in the maternity ward while his wife was giving birth. He was pacing around, excited.

The doctor comes out, and says, "Ok, you are the now the proud father of a healthy bby boy!"

So the man goes to see his child, but he can't find his baby among all the babies. so he turns around to see all the doctors.

"April Fools! your wife died in childbirth and your child's a stillborn!"

/shoots security guard in the face

gotta love arkham asylum.. >_<		2009-12-12 03:17:00

Author:
RockSauron
Posts: 10882

Okay, a long one.

A monastery puts an add in the paper for a bell ringer. A few days pass and finally a there is a chime at the door. The monk opens the door to see an armless man.
"Can I help you my son?" asks the monk.
"I'm here for the job of the Bell Ringer." says the armless man.
"Well, how are you going to ring the bell with no arms?" asks the monk.
"I chimed the bell at the door didn't I?"

So the monk takes the man to the top of the monastery and asks the man to show him how he would ring the bell.
So the man walks back to the edge, takes a running start, and jumps into the bell. The bell rings, the monk is impressed.
The monk says "Okay, but what are you going to do at 12?"
The man says "Okay, watch."
The armless man takes three running leaps before falling off the edge.
When the police arrived they asked "Did you know this man?"
The Monk responded "No, but his face rings a bell."

A week later the exact same thing happened.
Again, the same officer asked "I suppose you don't know this one either?"
"No," the monk said "But he's a deadringer for the last one."		2009-12-12 03:20:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

You so fat that when you stepped on one of the cracks, you split the world in half.

By the way, did you read the story I posted on your crazy story thread?

No, I have to look that up

oh oh, you're so fat when you walk past the television, I missed three movies and the SuperBowl.		2009-12-12 03:27:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

If there was a race to the moon between Super Man and Iron man, who would win?
Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris got in a car crash, lost both of his legs, and still walked it off.

I've got a million of these 		2009-12-12 03:28:00

Author:
Frinklebumper
Posts: 941

You know 6 is afraid of 7?
Cause 7 ate 9		2009-12-12 03:38:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

Hope this wasn't said,

Your so fat, when you turn around it's your birthday!!! *laughs hard*

Q. Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?
A. Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

Your so fat that when you break your leg, gravy pours out!

Your so fat, your blood type is spaghetti sauce!

*Rolls On Floor Laughing Out Loud*		2009-12-12 04:58:00

Author:
ktang77
Posts: 592

There's a guy I know named John

and we sometimes call him vajohna 		2009-12-12 05:49:00

Author:
Incinerator22
Posts: 3251

What do you call two mexicans fighting?
Juan on Juan		2009-12-12 05:55:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

you're so fat, if you sit on a monstertruck it becomes a lowrider

you're so fat, if you stand inbetween a computer and a wireless router, the computer looses connection

you're so fat, if you fart al gore comes after you for ruining nature		2009-12-12 11:27:00

Author:
oldage
Posts: 2824

What did the lightbulb say its owner?
You turn me on!

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
cause it was handcuffed to the chicken!

(laughs like madmen) HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAA....... he........................ .		2009-12-12 13:10:00

Author:
Tawarf
Posts: 457

What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look I'm changing!

What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.		2009-12-12 14:47:00

Author:
Jedi_1993
Posts: 1518

A man walks into a shop and asks the foreign assistant for some deodorant, the assistant asks "ball or aerosol?" The man replies with "neither, it's for my armpits".

Anyone get that one? I love it. 		2009-12-12 15:02:00

Author:
Leather-Monkey
Posts: 2266

Oh god ive got loads.....

Your mothers so fat when she goes to the beach the whales start singing 'We are fammmilly'

Your mothers so stupid that she stole a free flyer.

Your mothers so fat when she walks in front of the Tv you miss 30 mins of the show

Your mothers so fat when she farts she melts the ice on pluto

A man walked into the doctors and said 'Doctor i feel like a snooker ball' The Doctor says 'get to the back of the queue'

What did the man say when he walked into a bar ? Owww

(sorry in advance to blonde people)

A blonde, a brunnette and a red head are going to be executed. The executioner calls up the red head and puts her head on the chopping block, the executioner raises his axe and goes ' 3 ...2.....1....' and then the redhead shouts ' Tornado!!' everyone turns around and the red head escapes.

Then the same thing happens with the brunette.... '3....2...1....' and then she shouts 'Tidal wave!!!' everyone turns around and the brunette escapes.

Then up comes the blonde and the executioner goes '3.....2.....1....' and the blonde shouts 'FIRE!!'		2009-12-12 17:12:00

Author:
theamilien
Posts: 485

Your so fat you don't go to a store to buy clothes... you buy the store and wear it.2009-12-12 17:51:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

Two guys walk into a bar.

You think one of them would have seen it or something.		2009-12-12 19:08:00

Author:
Arkei
Posts: 1432

every night the boogieman looks under his bed for Chuck Norris


why did the whale cross the ocain? to get to the other TIDE

why did the child cross the playground? to get to the other SLIDE

ROFL		2009-12-12 19:13:00

Author:
Unknown User

How do you catch a rare rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a pet rabbit?
The tame way.		2009-12-12 20:25:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

Your so fat, when you walk in front of the TV, I have no hope of seeing it again.

Two guys walked into a bar... of choclate. hahaha (gets shot)

What is the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth Hurty!		2009-12-12 20:49:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

Why did the skeleton leave the dance?

Because he had no-body to dance with!

AHA! Get it?! Because, the skeleton, no body, just bones, and it's a pun, on the word nobody, and yeah, and...*bang*

You know another bad joke? Ya mom! OMG hilarious xD		2009-12-12 22:00:00

Author:
KoRnDawwg
Posts: 1424

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!one!!!!!!!11!!1!!one!on e1

*shoots self*		2009-12-12 22:05:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

One more before I kill myself!

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. They all walk into a bar and the bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?"

AHA! *puts gun in mouth*		2009-12-12 22:08:00

Author:
KoRnDawwg
Posts: 1424

There were three pieces of rope wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes.'

'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.

The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.

The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'


You may now groan! 		2009-12-12 22:40:00

Author:
Coxy224
Posts: 2645

There were three pieces of rope wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes.'

'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.

The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.

The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'


You may now groan!

That was possibly the worst joke I've ever heard... seriously. And I have some pretty bad jokes.

Since the thread is meant for lame jokes, nice one LOL 		2009-12-12 22:47:00

Author:
iGotFancyPants
Posts: 1355

Lol thats so bad2009-12-12 22:48:00

Author:
CreateNPlay
Posts: 1266

That was epic (lame).2009-12-12 22:54:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

There was an Indian Chief, and he had three squaws, and kept them in three teepees. When he would come home late from hunting, he would not know which teepee contained which squaw, since it was dark. He went hunting one day, and killed a hippopotamus, a bear, and a buffalo. He put the hide from each animal into a different teepee, so that when he came home late, he could feel inside the teepee and he would know which squaw was inside.
After a year, all three squaws had children. The squaw on the bear had a baby boy, the squaw on the buffalo hide had a baby girl. But the squaw on the hippopotamus had a girl and a boy. So what is the moral of the story?
The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.		2009-12-12 23:03:00

Author:
IceMaiden
Posts: 1057

Ok I'm pulling out the worst I can find/think of...

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? a fsh.
What about a cat with no eyes? A cat, idiot.

Jimmy opened his birthday card and read it aloud; "There once was a lobster. This lobster was named larry. Larry was a very, very smart and tough lobster. He was known as the strongest lobster that ever lived! Then one day, while larry lay in his little underwater house, a human came and scooped him up out of the water and put him in a bag. Larry was transported to a restaurant and placed in a fish tank with other lobsters. Larry felt very scared. Then, after a couple of hours, Larry was taken out of the fish tank, killed and eaten. Happy Birthday Jimmy!"

If that's not bad enough for you, I'll be back with more (too bad for you) :kz:		2009-12-12 23:38:00

Author:
iGotFancyPants
Posts: 1355

Some of these are awful...... you've been warned

A patient walks into a doctor's office and says , "Doctor help me, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Nonsense man, pull yourself together!"

Med School is a fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Every "that's what she said" joke.

A mistress - something between a mister and a mattress.

A 70 year old man walks into a doctor's office and asks ,"Doctor, Will I live another 70 years?"
"Do you smoke?" "Never!"
"Do you drink?" "No way!"
"Are you sexually active?" "Of course not doctor!"
"Then what the hell would you want to live another 70 years for "

A psychiatrist passes by a gynecologist in the hallway and says ,"Hey, how's it going?"
"Oh you know, just scraping a living."

Your family is so poor that if someone steps on a cockroach the entire family bursts out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet! Praise the lord we've all got meat!"		2009-12-13 00:30:00

Author:
Foofles
Posts: 2278

Know what we call dirtbags like you in my country? Dirtbags.2009-12-13 00:46:00

Author:
Incinerator22
Posts: 3251

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337		2009-12-13 01:42:00

Author:
phil_003
Posts: 609

There once was a king who ruled a large kingdom. He had many treasures, but he would trade all of them for the rare Asyrian golden pie. One day a man walked into his court and offered him that very treasure, but in exchange for the King's throne. The King thought about it long and hard. Then he made his decision...

He ordered his guards to kill the man and take the golden pie. Upon closer examination he decided he didn't really like it so he threw it out the window.

The morale of the story is, pie is better when it's made of food.		2009-12-13 05:34:00

Author:
RagTagPwner
Posts: 344

3 people volinterd to be on a game show. the show host says that the last on on the rope above lava wins. So the 3 people get on the ropes. The first person fell off besause he was swinging back and forth and hit his head on the wall. Soon the 2one fell of because his fingers was sweaty, so the 2 person claped his hands.lol


part 1:
on another game show, they where stranded on an island. They can only bring one thing The first one brought water, the 2 brought a fredge so he does not get hungery, and the last one brought a car door so when he is hot he can roll down the window.		2009-12-13 17:15:00

Author:
Unknown User

what did the grape do when it was squased???

it let out a little wine!!!		2009-12-13 18:16:00

Author:
toon_army_azza
Posts: 115

My joke that I tell everyone... (fairly adult-y) The doctor says to the patient "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating", the patient says "why?" The doctor replies with "because I'm trying to examine you".





Teehee! Not to turn this into a sexist thread or anything but...

Why shouldn't you buy a women a watch? There's already a clock on the oven...

That, was funny... very funny...
Hehe... haha....HAHAAHA....MAUHSDUSAWEFKFGALS!

How does the chicken cross a road?
Who cares, why isn't he on my plate?
...
never mind...		2009-12-13 18:19:00

Author:
konniksanders
Posts: 104

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
The first atom says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The second atom says, "Are you sure?"
The first atom says, "I'm positive."

1 c4n h4z ur lulz		2009-12-14 00:07:00

Author:
Sackwise
Posts: 305

A joke you say?

Today's economy.		2009-12-14 00:20:00

Author:
Unknown User

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss and complain.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
40. Test drive car
41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.
42. Car gets impounded.
43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.
Money Spent:
$50 parts
$12 beer
$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!
$1000 Bail
$200 Impound and towing fee
Total: $1337


Okay, first off tsk tsk tsk. Do you know nothing of rednecks? Step one to changing an oil filter is take the change left over from buying beer to Larry's around the corner. That's not a business, that you r buddy around the corner, a shade tree mechanic if you will. He will probably have one you need tuck away somewheres. If you buy him a six pack he will do it for you.
That narrows it down to 5 steps.
1: Buy beer. Drink beer.
2: Go to your buddy's.
3: Drink beer. Buy beer.
4: Ask your buddy for to fix it up.
5: Drink with your buddy.

Total: $50		2009-12-14 04:34:00

Author:
thefrozenpenquin
Posts: 479

What is red and doesn't excist?

Not tomatoes 		2009-12-31 00:14:00

Author:
napero7
Posts: 1653

What's black and white, and red all over? Obama in a red suit. 2009-12-31 02:19:00

Author:
CyberSora
Posts: 5551

A joke you say?

Today's economy.

I forgot i posted this, i was about to post it again....

Ah well...		2009-12-31 02:27:00

Author:
Unknown User

You know whats black and blue and red all over?

Your eye once I'm done with you.		2009-12-31 05:09:00

Author:
FreeFlyzz
Posts: 265

two new hunters were walking thru the woods when one notices they were lost...startled, the other screams,and the first one cries...but then he remembered something he learned from an experienced huinter..."wait...all we have to do is shoot into the air,helicopters will see the smoke and come rescue us!

so they shot...

and waited,shot

and waited...

until eventually...

"hey, i hope they find us soon" said one of the hunters" and the other replies:"yah...we're running out of arrows."		2009-12-31 05:44:00

Author:
theswweet
Posts: 2468


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