Archive: 31 posts

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I decided to mix things up a bit and write a short story, it'll still come in chapters like my others but probably a bit fewer and far between. Hope you enjoy! Jane and Andrew?s grotto was their life. They?d spent years building it up ? the mildew on the cave walls had taken half a year to grow on its own, and the pantry cavern had taken even longer to fill up with the brains of the countryside animals. Jane stood, swaying, in the centre of the main cavern, chewing on the brain stem of a field mouse. Andrew poked his rotting eye out from the sleeping chamber, and it promptly fell out of its socket. He licked it quickly, and then poked it back in with a squelch. He stumbled over slowly to Jane, grabbed the other end of the brain stem, and began stuffing it into his own half-eroded mouth. He began to chew, and so did Jane, so that the brain stem grew taut between them. Just as their rotted lips almost touched, the rock over the door let out a knocking sound. Jane spat out her half of the brain stem, and looked at the small ring of light that shone round the edge of the door-boulder. The rest of the cavern was illuminated by the luminescent algae growing on the walls, and lit her mould-covered face from the top. She snarled at the door, and began to stumble over to it. It was probably some sort of mountain goat or sheep ? a good source for brains, she supposed. She reached the boulder, and heard it knock again ? two, quick, sharp taps. Didn?t sound like a mountain goat. Whatever it was, it would be full of brains to have the strength to knock like that, and good muscle too. She placed her dislocated shoulder on the edge of the boulder, and gave one great heave. The boulder slid away, tearing a chunk of her skin off with it, and letting the light from the setting sun in. She screamed at what she saw; a loud, piercing, guttural, snarling scream, and jumped backwards. There was something there, something that looked normal at its basic level, but, on the outside, was so horrific, so disgusting, and so abnormal that she vomited on the floor. ?Good day there, sir or madam, I?m Bob, and I?m here today to talk to you about affordable double glazing!? the thing said. His grotesque form was so smooth, and his face had a weird, soft, furry substance flying off the top of it. And the worst thing was, he had covered himself up! Some sort of cloth, or pelt that was buttoned in the middle, and leggings, and shoes! Leather shoes! Jane stumbled back as the beast let himself in. Andrew too pushed himself back on the wall, and threw the brain stem at the weird being. It slapped against Bob?s chest, and slid off some sort of laminated substance. The laminated substance was a nametag, which read ?Hello, I?m Bob, Senior Manager!? Bob, Senior Manager, spoke again, advancing on Jane. ?I notice that this lovely home of yours is a bit on the chilly side. Now, I know what you?re thinking! You?re thinking that I?m going to charge you ridiculous amounts for quality double-glazing, but you can have it now for less than three hundred pounds!? Jane screamed again, as Bob towered over her. She watched as he withdrew a miniature board of wood from an inside pocket, and some sort of silver rod with a point to it that was oozing some sort of blood, and bended down to her. ?Now, if you could just sign here, we can be on our way!? Bob grinned, and shoved the pen into her scabby hands. She pushed the pen onto the white substance on top of the wooden board, and, against her will, drew a little squiggle. It was Andrew who screamed this time, in utter anguish, as his love signed away her soul. Immediately, she began to change. Her flesh healed together, scabs forming and disappearing, and her skin changed from an unhealthy green to a radiant pink. Her hair sprouted, forming full locks that cascaded down her back. Out of nowhere, the rags around her shoulders formed into a flowing dress, and the algae around her feet coalesced into a set of glowing green plimsolls. Andrew?s scream died down as Jane?s body stopped changing. She sat, still for a moment, and Andrew felt a beat of hope in his un-beating heart. Then she turned round, and in the laminated that read ?Hi! I?m Jane, Customer Services, and I?m here to help!? Andrew knew she was gone. Jane, Customer Services, straightened up, and flashed a set of horribly clean and white teeth at him. ?Hello there, I?m Jane, and I?d like to talk to you about how we can make your life easier!? Andrew snarled, and screamed. He moved to lash out to her, but he couldn?t do it, couldn?t hurt his zombie wife, and watched as she inexorably drew a wooden clipboard from her pocket. She gestured with the board, and said, ?Now if you?d just sign here with your name, address, and telephone number, we can be on our way!? Andrew reached out and scrawled a mess of ink on the board, and then he too began to change. The virus had begun to spread, and now Andrew, like hundreds of others on planet earth, began to change, until he was zombie no longer. The human infection had begun. Day 1 of the outbreak. Dawn broke over the rolling hills of the Somerset countryside. Vast expanses of forest sheltered woodland animals, and cows, sheep, and various other wild animals clambered freely over pasture after pasture. Scrubland and bushes intertwined in the unpopulated region, and not a human soul was to be seen. Mark watched a cow with salivating sores in his mouth. Mark was 18 years old, a zombie just coming into adulthood, with broad, rotting shoulders and eyes that had already begun to rot on the edges. His proudest moment had come only a few months ago, when he awoke from his slumber to find that his left big toe had been gnawed at by a rat ? he was finally growing up. The rat?s brains hadn?t tasted too bad either. The cow he was watching was a beautiful specimen, thickset and with big bulging flanks. Her head was abnormally large, perfect for storing an above average-size brain, which would undoubtedly be juicy and warm. A bead of bloody saliva dripped down his chin at the thought, and splashed on a blade of grass. He swayed momentarily, and then sprinted out to the cow. He was knocked bodily off his feet by a weird being that jumped out from behind a smaller, scrawnier cow. This being was grotesque and strange, with white teeth in his mouth and a mop of disgusting fur on his head. Mark snarled, and lashed out at the weird thing, smashing it in its mouth midway through its opening sentence of ?Good evening today, sir or madam, my name?s Andrew...? The being stumbled backwards and then straightened up again, grinning wider than ever. ?Oh, I can see I've caught you at a bad time. But I say, ?No time is the wrong time to buy in on quality furnishings!?? Mark snarled and screamed, turned tail and ran; sprinting and stumbling his way back to his hovel. The being, undeterred, sprinted after him, shouting wildly, ?Sir, sir, don't turn your back on our amazing offers! I admire your determinism, and for that, I?m willing to give this wonderful offer to you at half the price!? Mark snarled and screamed again; sprinting ever the faster, trying to find some other zombie to help him, to warn them. If he didn?t, he was sure, the whole world would be overrun with these hideous creatures. He?d read about them in children?s wall paintings. They were un-thinking, mindless, and came in many varieties, infecting all they crossed. He couldn?t stand it if the whole world became, and he shuddered at the thought, accountants. He dove into the forest, crashing through branches and undergrowth, the unwavering pursuit of the salesperson an ever-present fear. He dove under a low branch, and spotted a zombie up ahead ? it was his brother, Anthony. He shouted at him, warning him of the salesperson, and he dove off, searching for someone else to tell. If only the news of the outbreak could be spread faster than the outbreak itself, some of them might be able to survive. Mark carried on sprinting, but his leg caught on an unseen creeper that lay hidden along the ground. He snarled and thrashed in the undergrowth, but the salesperson was upon him, shouting words of low prices and affordable quality furniture. Like it? Subscribe! Subscribers: KernelM CyberSora Whaaaaale Chezhead moleynator Astrosimi

2009-10-26 23:52:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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This is, as much win as it can possibly get. I'd like to subscribe please.

2009-10-27 00:30:00 Author: Whalio Cappuccino Posts: 5250

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Haha, thank-ye there Whaaaaale! Strangely enough, I got the idea after seeing the advert for The Invention of Lying (I know, right? I haven't even seen it). How I got to the Human Virus infecting zombies, I don't know.

2009-10-27 00:43:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Subscribe, PLZ? I love your stories! WORK ON ONE, THOUGH!

2009-10-27 00:48:00 Author: chezhead Posts: 1063

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chezhed, I'm working on them all! I've put Evolution a bit on the back-burners, but only because I wanted to get these two out on the open. To let you all in on a bit of a secret, on the way to and back from Wales, I've written two more chapters to Deja Vu, and another one to this story. But I'm staggering their release.

2009-10-27 00:50:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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I would just like to inquire as to how much the subscription fee will cost me.

2009-10-27 00:58:00 Author: moleynator Posts: 2914

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Oh, nothing really, just YOUR SOUL :kz: MUHAHAHAHA

2009-10-27 00:59:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Here, have MY SOUL :kz:

2009-10-27 01:59:00 Author: Astrosimi Posts: 2046

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Are you subscribing, I can never be sure whether people are or they are just giving me their souls because I'm so awesome.

2009-10-27 02:01:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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I have about 12 SOULS at home... here, take another of MY SOUL. I've given away about 5 here at LBPC so far. By the way, interesting, story... one of those WHAT THE ****? stories.

2009-10-27 02:06:00 Author: chezhead Posts: 1063

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Yes, I am subscribing, souls are only so rare :kz:

2009-10-27 02:09:00 Author: Astrosimi Posts: 2046

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Chezhead, I "wat"'d a few times writing it myself.

2009-10-27 02:18:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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New chapter, m'laddies

2009-10-28 20:27:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Another great chapter with small hints at humor, can't wait for chapter 3. Found a mistake in one of the paragraphs though. He dove into the forest, crashing through branches and undergrowth, the unwavering pursuit of the salesperson an ever-present fear. He dove under a low branch, and spotted a zombie up ahead ? it was his brother, Anthony. He shouted at him, warning her him of the salesperson, and he dove off, searching for someone else to tell. If only the news of the outbreak could be spread faster than the outbreak itself, some of them might be able to survive. Great work.

2009-10-28 21:21:00 Author: Whalio Cappuccino Posts: 5250

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Haha, good spot Whaaaaale, I'll edit that out, the gender change was a late addition.

2009-10-28 21:32:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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This is the longest short story I read. Still, good read! I especially like the part about the beast letting himself in. "Hello, I'm Bob, Senior Manager!" Sign me up for a subscription!

2009-10-29 23:20:00 Author: CyberSora Posts: 5551

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Thanks for signing up, sir or madam, now, about the transferral of YOUR SOUL :kz: to our accounts... Glad you liked it, though not sure what you meant by the longest short story you read. It's a) not finished, b) a really short short story so far O_O A lot shorter than Evolution or Deja Vu (which I think you read, I lose track, forgive me)

2009-10-30 00:46:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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What I mean is: A) What I think of a short story is the size of the first paragraph you made. B) If that's your thinking of a short story, then I hate to see your long one.

2009-10-30 01:22:00 Author: CyberSora Posts: 5551

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Well there are two ways I see a short story - 1000 words or so, or a novella (about 10,000 words). I would've called this a novella. A 1000 word short story, such as I would be made to do for a homework...hold on... https://lbpcentral.lbp-hub.com/index.php?t=t=9956 There, THAT is what I call a really short story. This is a novella-***-short-story, as are Deja Vu and Evolution.

2009-10-30 01:32:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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DARN those creepers... What they really need is an accountant survival guide.

2009-10-30 01:50:00 Author: moleynator Posts: 2914

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moley, stuff like that will be included, don't worry. I'll be making as much crazy references as possible!

2009-10-30 02:07:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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moley, stuff like that will be included, don't worry. I'll be making as much crazy references as possible! Thank God, I love crazy references.

2009-10-30 02:14:00 Author: moleynator Posts: 2914

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That's right, I (kill moley) love references to things most people won't get!

2009-10-30 02:16:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Sub hello im Kernel, i work in budgets i was wondering if i could go over these figures with you?

2009-10-31 23:27:00 Author: Kern Posts: 5078

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Why hello there, KernelM, it is a pleasure to meet you Sir or Madam! Could you tell me what you thought of DotA, and whether I am adding YOUR SOUL :kz: to my collection?

2009-11-03 09:24:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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sure why not? sign on the dotted line dont bother with the fine print

2009-11-03 23:20:00 Author: Kern Posts: 5078

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Write more nao! Been aaaaages.

2009-11-17 22:10:00 Author: moleynator Posts: 2914

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id have to agree with moley moley moleynator,

2009-11-19 17:34:00 Author: Kern Posts: 5078

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Your story is HILARIOUS. This is my first reply to a thread. I just woke up at 5pm. I work 3rd shift. I read aloud to my 14 year old son Joel who is at his laptop make Warcraft 3 maps. He thinks your story is hilarious! I like it too. It kind of reminds me of Far Side comics, Twilight Zone, etc.. I like how you reversed the roles. Makes one rethink things. I am currently HUMAN. I have been in sales most of my life. I think I maybe INFECTED! Or as the great Bubbles would say, "Oh no! I've been Affected!" I can't even remember being a zombie. Is there any hope? I would like to SUBSCRIBE and hope to learn of a cure. I don't remember what I am missing.

2010-05-15 23:46:00 Author: The-Enemy642 Posts: 1

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Your story is HILARIOUS. This is my first reply to a thread. I just woke up at 5pm. I work 3rd shift. I read aloud to my 14 year old son Joel who is at his laptop make Warcraft 3 maps. He thinks your story is hilarious! I like it too. It kind of reminds me of Far Side comics, Twilight Zone, etc.. I like how you reversed the roles. Makes one rethink things. I am currently HUMAN. I have been in sales most of my life. I think I maybe INFECTED! Or as the great Bubbles would say, "Oh no! I've been Affected!" I can't even remember being a zombie. Is there any hope? I would like to SUBSCRIBE and hope to learn of a cure. I don't remember what I am missing. Hey new guy! This thread is really really old now, like November last year. Not many people are likely to read your post because they are not likely to find this thread. However, I agree that this story is very funny and it is unfortunate that it will never beadded to.

2010-05-16 01:20:00 Author: moleynator Posts: 2914

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Ah I'd really like to take this up again, I grew close to those little zombays Maybe I will after GCSE exams Hehe The-Enemy I really liked your post I can see how Joel might like the story - I'm 14 too, so the story will inevitably be geared towards 14-year-olds So yeah, mebbe after exams I will add to this (that means late June though guys ) so long as someone messages me to remind me. BUT a note to all: There's a thread a couple below this called Through The Cracks which (while not a funny story like this one) I WILL be adding to, because, well, it's mostly all written out anyway I'm just staggering releasing new chapters

2010-05-19 12:08:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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