Archive: 4 posts

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It started like anyother day for John but things started to go wrong when the town hall clock struck midday. Well when John stated 'Like any other day' he had meant normal by the standards of America in the year 2077.China had declared war with America and had threatened with nuclear warheads. Later America annexed Canada in a bid to win the war. 2077. The year the bombs fell. 26/08/77. The day the bombs fell. Midday the time the bombs fell. There was always a constant threat of a nuclear apocylypse, it was looming over them like a great storm cloud. Or a mushroom cloud, John thought. It was an odd thought, but it made him laugh, unlike most of the other things on television now. It was always warnings and what to do in case of a nuclear bomb. They had tried to teach John this at his school. He searched his school's library and discovered that there was no point in hiding under tables to try and shield yourself from the radiation and heat.All except for those vaults, people were placed in and given food and water. They had a solid metal doors and no one was allowed in. There was one near his home in Springvale, Vault 101, he had a slight diminishing hope that they might someday open their doors and let everyone in town in. They didn't. The Gomez family got in, they were his neighbours, and some other families about town. He missed the Gomez's the most though.Especially their son Tommy, he was his best friend, taken away never to see him again. Although he had other friends none would quite fill the hole where Tommy had been. Later in the evening he sat in front of their t.v, watching the news. 'Two killed in a car collision, both exploded', he always thought that putting a nuclear reactor into a car was never a good idea, unfortunately his parents, and everyone else he knew, disagreed. Then his mind became more focused when his favourite T.V program came on. 'Captain Cosmos and Zoomy'. He loved the program, Captain Cosmos explored the universe with his sidekick, Zoomy. They faced evil wherever they went and saved yet another planet from imminent destruction from the clutches of their arch nemesis, Major Destucto. Just then a competition came on, it showed Pip-Boy the mascot for a long range of wrist based wear. They contained lots of information. They were offering a Pip-Boy 3000 S-Class. He knew he couldn't win. You needed to be ten before you were given one. He thought it was unfair. Before he knew it his programme was over and he had to sleep. Next day was unusually bright. Unusually warm too. John looked at his alarm, 9:17 a.m. He was he could stay in his warm cosy bed. It was a Saturday. No school. As he got dressed the intensity of the heat seemed to envelop him. There was never this much heat during August. Especially in this part of America. He went outside and looked at his watch. Noon. Had he really spent so long in his bed? Suddenly, sirens blared on either side of him. What was happening? It couldn't be a practice drill... No..... Yet it was happening. He ran to the lake and watched at the pier. Someone had been ther the night before. There was boxes of Blanco Mac and Cheese and bottles of unnamed beer. He sat at the end of the pier. His legs dangling over the edge. That's when he saw them. Black Chinese planes. Each carrying on it's underbelly an atomic bomb. There was several- but just enough to wipe out the whole state! They started to drop bombs. John sat there open mouthed and gaping as a bomb landed several miles away. There was a huge, bright, white flash of light, and the ground shook from under him. Planks fell from under him and a massive storm cloud rose from the ground like an angry god. Then he felt the heat. It was like being in an oven. It was burning his eyeballs. Everything. Burned. He was going to die. He sat on the pier. His knuckles turning white. as his flesh burned away his last thoughts were of his family. And of getting under a table. What do you think? Good for a 13 year old still in school?

2009-06-30 15:59:00 Author: FlameAtNight Posts: 405

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That is a really good story, especially for a 13 year old. Besides a few grammatical errors, and the fact the table wouldn't save him if he was only a few miles away from a nuclear drop site, it wasn't bad at all. You should change the elements like the PIP-Boy to be your own futuristic gear, as well as the food. It would make a great level in LittleBigPlanet.

2009-06-30 16:28:00 Author: BSprague Posts: 2325

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That is a really good story, especially for a 13 year old. Besides a few grammatical errors, and the fact the table wouldn't save him if he was only a few miles away from a nuclear drop site, it wasn't bad at all. You should change the elements like the PIP-Boy to be your own futuristic gear, as well as the food. It would make a great level in LittleBigPlanet. Could I ask what the grammar errors are? Oh and this was for a story we were to write not an idea for a level or anything so that's where I got all the Fallout stuff you see. Its based on Fallout,

2009-06-30 16:40:00 Author: FlameAtNight Posts: 405

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Could I ask what the grammar errors are? It started like anyother day for John but things started to go wrong when the town hall clock struck midday. Well when John stated 'Like any other day' he had meant normal by the standards of America in the year 2077.China had declared war with America and had threatened with nuclear warheads. Later America annexed Canada in a bid to win the war. 2077. The year the bombs fell. 26/08/77. The day the bombs fell. Midday the time the bombs fell. There was a lways a constant threat of a nuclear apocolypse, it was looming over them like a great storm cloud. Or a mushroom cloud thought John. (fragment) It was an odd thought, but it made him laugh, unlike most of the other things on television now. It was always warnings and what to do in case of a nuclear bomb. They had tried to teach John this at his school. He searched his school's library and discovered that there was no point in hiding under tables to try and shield yourself from the radiation and heat.All except for those vaults, people were placed in and given food and water. They had a solid metal doors and no one was allowed in. There was one near his home in Springvale, Vault 101, he had a slight diminishing hope that they might someday open their doors and let everyone in town in. They didn't. The Gomez family got in, they were his neighbours, and some other families about town. He missed the Gomez's the most though.Especially their son Tommy, he was his best friend, taken away never to see him again. Although he had other friends none would quite fill the hole where Tommy had been. Later in the evening he sat in front of their t.v, watching the news. 'Two killed in a car collision, both exploded', he always thought that putting a nuclear reactor into a car was never a good idea, unfortunately his parents, and everyone else he knew, disagreed. Then his mind became more focused when his favourite T.V program came on. 'Captain Cosmos and Zoomy'. He loved the program, Captain Cosmos explored the universe with his sidekick, Zoomy. They faced evil wherever they went and saved yet another planet from imminent destruction from the clutches of their arch nemesis, Major Destucto. Just then a compitition came on, it showed Pip-Boy the mascot for a long range of wrist based wear. They contained lots of information. They were offering a Pip-Boy 3000 S-Class. He knew he couldn't win. You needed to be ten before you were given one. He thought it was unfair. Before he knew it his programme was over and he had to sleep. Next day was unusually bright. Unusually warm too. (fragment) John looked at his alarm, 9:17 a.m. He was he could stay in his warm cosy bed. It was a Saturday. No school. As he got dressed the intensity of the heat seemed to envelope (the word you are looking for is envelop) him. There was never this much heat during August. Esoecially in this part of America. He went outside and looked at his watch. Noon. Had he really spent so long in his bed? Suddenly, sirens blared on either side of him. What was happening? It could'nt be a practice drill... No..... Yet it was happening. He ran to the lake and watched at the pier. Someone had been ther the night before. There was boxes of Blanco Mac and Cheese and bottles of unamed beer. He sat at the end of the pyer. His legs dangleing oner the edge. That's when he saw them. Black Chinese planes. Each carrying on it's underbelly an atomic bomb. There was several- but just enough to wipe out the whole state! They started to drop bombs. John sat there open mouthed and gaping as a bomb landed several miles away. There was a huge, bright, white flash of light, and the ground shook from under him. Planks fell from under him and a massive storm cloud rose from the ground like an angry god. Then he felt the heat. It was like being in an oven. It was burning his eyeballs. Everythin. Burned. He was going to die. He sat on the pier. His knuckles turning white. as his flesh burned away his last thoughts were of his family. And of getting under a table. What do you think? Good for a 13 year old still in school? That's mainly spelling errors, as I'm not going to go through where commas, spacing, and various other characters should go and how some sentences should be reworded. Also, you switch between "program" and "programme" though I'm not sure if that is just because we are from different parts of the world. It should be uniform throughout the story though. Still, its a very good story nonetheless.

2009-06-30 17:11:00 Author: BSprague Posts: 2325

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