Archive: 9 posts

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I decided to go for something... a bit more serious this time around. Let me know what you think. INDEX Prologue (http://docs.google.com/View?id=ds3929t_58f9qqx6dk) Chapter 1 (http://docs.google.com/View?id=ds3929t_60c74whqg3)

2009-06-07 02:14:00 Author: RockSauron Posts: 10882

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Hm, wow. A thief so desperate to steal moldy bread. Somehow reminds me of George Orwells 1984. I can't tell yet but i could bet that there is a crazy government in force, which tyrannises the poor population left from a great catastrophy or something like that. Well structured. Perhaps you should add some little details about the scene to stretch the text and give the readers more possibilitys to imagine what they are reading. So... when is the next part released?

2009-06-07 17:32:00 Author: Vanemiera Posts: 329

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Released Chapter 1! Tell me what you peoplez think :kz:

2009-06-13 15:19:00 Author: RockSauron Posts: 10882

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I'll tell you what I think, I think why the heck isn't my old post up here! I thought I was first to comment :O I did it the day of release of the prologue too! Oh well. At any rate, I love it so far. Also, wrong reference, Vanemiera. Try this: "Jean Valjeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaan...Another day another destiny..." I thought that was what it was at first, but his number...well you'll see

2009-06-13 16:04:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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I'll tell you what I think, I think why the heck isn't my old post up here! I thought I was first to comment :O I did it the day of release of the prologue too! Oh well. At any rate, I love it so far. Also, wrong reference, Vanemiera. Try this: "Jean Valjeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaan...Another day another destiny..." I thought that was what it was at first, but his number...well you'll see Yeah, Vany... Don't pretend you can't see his agony? Eh, whatever. Maybe I can make a new chapter in one day more!

2009-06-13 16:06:00 Author: RockSauron Posts: 10882

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I'm sowy, but what does Don't pretend you can't see his agony? mean? Some other reference to that play that I don't get?

2009-06-13 16:08:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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I'm sowy, but what does mean? Some other reference to that play that I don't get? Yes... Who am I? The send this man to *forget* Pretend I cannot see his agony? My soul belongs to God I know, I made that bargain- yeah, yeah So that Who Am I? song. john Valjean is talking about if he can condemn that man suspected of being him to a lifetime of agony. I love that story... Anyway, please, back to my story

2009-06-13 16:11:00 Author: RockSauron Posts: 10882

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So people are living under some sort of tyrannical rule in the future?

2009-06-14 17:55:00 Author: Code1337 Posts: 3476

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Too cliched. How about a story in the future where everyone is perfect until a group of unruly teenagers make a device that can change reality and turn everyone into ZOMBIEZ! It reminds me more of a Brave New World with all the tubes and tubes.

2009-06-15 03:08:00 Author: qrtda235566 Posts: 3664

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