Archive: 37 posts

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Hey, seeing silverleon suggested a sub forum for jokes, but it didn't come here, I figured out I could make a thread. If there is already something like this (a JOKE thread), lock and redirect. (nothing popped up) Anyway, post your jokes/funny text sayings here, let's start! but of course, some rules first.... 1. no sexistic, racist jokes. 2. keep it mature 3. don't bash someone because he has a bad joke 4. have fun 5. no "yo mum" jokes, they are the worst jokes ever Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML Today, my alarm went off at 6.30. I woke up disorientated, as usual. I looked up and saw a dark, mysterious figure entering my room. Still half asleep, I screamed and dived under my covers. The dark, mysterious figure was my mom. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush came up and said, "Hello, Steve." The little man says, "Buzz off, Bush! I'm in a meeting," and keeps walking. (bad I know) your turn!

2009-05-03 17:02:00 Author: oldage Posts: 2824

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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

2009-05-03 17:13:00 Author: RockSauron Posts: 10882

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Are blonde jokes ok? I got a couple so i need to know before posting them.

2009-05-03 17:39:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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Yea sure. 10characters...

2009-05-03 17:41:00 Author: oldage Posts: 2824

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A blonde was speeding when a cop stopped her, the cop gets out of the car, turns out she's a blonde as well.So the cop walks to the blonde in the car and asks her for her license, the blonde asks "What does it look like?" the cop replies "It a square with your picture in it." the blonde looks through her purse a bit and takes out a small mirror sees he reflection in it and thinks that's what the cop was looking for, so she gives it to the cop and the cop says. "Oh, you can go now, i didn't know you were a cop too!"

2009-05-03 17:53:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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lol, I heard that one before...

2009-05-03 18:03:00 Author: Unknown User

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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!" The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?" Terrible XD

2009-05-03 18:21:00 Author: olit123 Posts: 1341

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A pirate captain says to his crew "Bring me my red shirt!" when the co-captain asks why, the pirate replies "We are heading for battle, I don't want any blood stains on my shirt." and the co-captain obeys him. Later, the enemies are in sight. The pirate captain yells "Bring me my brown pants!" get it because poopoo is brown and he ruined his pants olololol 11 people, 10 men and 1 lady, were hanging from the rope of a helicopter. They decided that one person had to fall in order for everyone to survive. The lady stepped in and gave a remarkable speech about how everyday women are always looking for men, and how a woman would sacrifice herself for her man. Then, the men clapped.

2009-05-12 08:18:00 Author: AwesomePossum Posts: 446

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This isn't a game, moved to General Chat

2009-05-12 08:54:00 Author: QuozL Posts: 921

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You probably already heard this one.... What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. (Select text to see answer)

2009-05-13 04:15:00 Author: tjb0607 Posts: 1054

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You probably already heard this one.... What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. (Select text to see answer) Lawl! i didn't know that one, quite funny XD. Here's another one. It was Wednesday. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

2009-05-13 04:57:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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Silverleon, i'm in tears because of your jokes lol anyhow, here's a contribution to the thread... Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen. The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?" He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

2009-05-13 07:03:00 Author: RangerZero Posts: 3901

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Why did the chicken cross the road? TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE

2009-05-14 00:18:00 Author: Arkei Posts: 1432

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ROFL. Imagine you are on an island surrounded by sharks and no life or food, water, or shelter, or any resources of any kind on it. How do you get off it BY YOURSELF unharmed? (Highlight the text to see the answer) Stop imagining!

2009-05-14 00:37:00 Author: SawronZXZ Posts: 463

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The jokes you guys are posting are funny. Time for a corny one: A man just got his first computer in his whole life. Right after he gets it, he logs on and his computer immediately crashes. He calls a computer technician to take a look at what's wrong with it. After the technician fixes the computer, it turns on immediately to where the man last left it. The man asks, "What was wrong with my computer?" The technician calmly replies, "Oh, you just had an 'Eye-Dee-Ten-Tee' Error. I suggest you read the computer manuals."

2009-05-14 01:07:00 Author: Night Angel Posts: 1214

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Here are some more: (To see the answers select the text) How do you get a giraffe in a fridge? You open the door, put the giraffe in and close the door. How do you put an elephant in a fridge? You open the door, take the giraffe out, put the elephant in and close the door. There's a meeting in the jungle where all thge animals must attend, which animals are missing? The giraffe and the elephant. You're in the middle of the jungle, in a small piece of land surrounded by a lake (how you got there is unknown). the only way out of there is by swimming, but you can see there's a sign saying "Warning, Piranah infested waters, keep out" How do you get out? You swim through, the piranahs are in the jungle meeting

2009-05-14 01:56:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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rule number 3 needs to be he/she!!! and you tell us no sexist jokes XD

2009-05-14 02:09:00 Author: Snrm Posts: 6419

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Bar jokes! 3 men walk into a bar, one would think the 3rd one would have seen it.... Four fonts walked into a bar and the barman shouted, "Get out, we don't want your type in here". A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road". A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A sandwich walks into a bar, The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here". A man walks into a bar and says ouch....

2009-05-17 03:46:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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A man walks into a bar and says ouch.... *rimshot plays*

2009-05-17 04:02:00 Author: gofurr360z Posts: 886

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*rimshot plays* Oh, come on, i couldn't have done bar jokes without the classic now could I? Anyways, i'm in a laughing mood, so here are some other jokes. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... Da-ad....""What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"> Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" A cop pulls over this guy and says, "Sir, I need you to take a breath test." Guy says, "I can't do that. I'm asthmatic and if I do that I'll have a really big asthma attack." "Okay, then I'll need you to come down to the station with me and I'll have to do some blood tests-just to make sure. (Out of space)

2009-05-17 04:12:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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"Sir, I can't do that either. I'm a haemophiliac and if I do that I'll bleed to death." "Okay, fine. Then, I need a urine sample from you." "I can't do that either, sir. I'm sorry, but I'm a diabetic and if I do that my sugar will get really, really low." "Okay, then why don't you step out of the car and walk on this white line for me," the officer says."I can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." The next one always makes me laugh. Early in the morning, the father knocks at his son's door and yells, "Wake up, son! Time to go to school." Sleepy, the son mumbles to his dad, "Listen, Pops... I'm not going to school today for three basic reasons: First of all because I'm dead tired. Second because I hate that school. And third because I've had it with those punks!" To which the father answers from outside the door: "Well, you're going for three reasons: First of all because you have a duty to perform, Second because you're 45. And third because you're the school principal!"

2009-05-17 04:15:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!" During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

2009-05-17 05:03:00 Author: tjb0607 Posts: 1054

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I installed a skylight in my apartment... My upstairs neighbors are p*ssed..

2009-05-17 05:37:00 Author: DrunkenFist_Lee Posts: 172

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Why doctors and nurses wear masks during surgery? So if someone *******s up, no-one is able to I.D them.

2009-05-17 12:29:00 Author: StaleSteak Posts: 70

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Two fish are sitting in a tank, and one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Why are powers so important to fish? BECAUSE THEY LIVE INDICES! So f(x)=x^2+3x-2 walks into a restaurant, and the waiter says, "I'm sorry, we don't cater for functions." Why are many topologists so obese? Because they can't tell the difference between a glass of water and a doughnut. EDIT: Yes I do love math jokes. There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

2009-05-17 17:39:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Two penguins are standing on an ice cliff.... penguin 1: Can i push you off? penguin 2: no THE END!!! yeh... i think this is funnay :3 >_>

2009-05-17 18:42:00 Author: Yarbone Posts: 3036

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Just read the best maths joke ever... Q: Why do mathematicians often confuse Christmas and Halloween? A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

2009-05-17 18:46:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Oh wow, i can't believe i got dawesbr's math jokes... I feel like a math nerd now.... (no offence dawes) Lets cheer me up with some jokes! As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switched off, *a 6 ft 3' man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up*from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled,*'HIJACK!' Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen and two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another*voice answered from the back of the plane.. "HI JHON!" (Hilight text above for the answer)

2009-05-17 19:30:00 Author: Silverleon Posts: 6707

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How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. lol get it?

2009-05-20 08:05:00 Author: TripleTremelo Posts: 490

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How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Real answer is none. How many people rely on Electricians to screw in light bulbs? xD Anyway... my joke: An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?".

2009-05-20 18:31:00 Author: alexbull_uk Posts: 1287

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What do you get if you cross a dog with nothing? A dog.

2009-05-20 18:36:00 Author: Bear Posts: 2079

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What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A WOOLLY JUMPER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAH

2009-05-20 18:57:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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What do you get if you cross a river and a stream? You get wet. Pffffhmmmm shahahahahahaha

2009-05-21 01:07:00 Author: AwesomePossum Posts: 446

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This is only funny because it's like the most corny stupid joke ever, though it makes more sense if you say it, not type it. So a giraffe and a man walk into a bar, the giraffe has a bit too much to drink, and the man is still sober. The giraffe passes out on the ground, and the bartender sees this and replies "Hey! You can't leave that lyin around here!" The man replies, "That's not a lion, that's a giraffe!" ...LOL!

2009-05-21 05:00:00 Author: Whalio Cappuccino Posts: 5250

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Here's some: A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do?? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what?? ---- Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. ?Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.? ?I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes? replies Watson. ?And what do you deduce from that?? Watson ponders for a minute. ?Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?? Holmes is silent for a moment. ?Watson, you idiot!? he says. ?Someone has stolen our tent!? ---- An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, ?Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.? The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: ?There are only nine words here. You could send another ?Woof? for the same price.? ---- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers. ---- That one was bad

2009-05-21 05:26:00 Author: Kog Posts: 2358

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A man who has one watch always knows what time it is A man with two watches is never sure. Not really a joke, but funny to think about none the less.

2009-05-21 05:31:00 Author: iiiijujube Posts: 594

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An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. (True story!)

2009-05-21 10:51:00 Author: CreateNPlay Posts: 1266

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