Archive: 17 posts

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Chapter - The End of Royalty (warning, may seem a bit long to some viewers) [SPOILER] Love. It is something that can be so very simple, but to those gifted with intelligence, is never so. Connections should always be cherished, that is the premise of love. It works in the oddest ways, sometimes blindly, sometimes with a bit more thought being put into who you love. In the end, however, it is an emotion, and like any human emotion, can overcome all logic with ease. I am gifted in that this affects me less than it does others, but then, I can not be sure if this is due to my nature as a vampire, or perhaps just due to the sum of my experiences. I know love. I also know that I will do anything to hold onto it. It pushes me, and others, to greatness, when tempered with a strong will. As I vaguely said before though, you can never have emotion without unintended consequences. This is something I never thought of much until after me and Alecia were finally together, only with eachother, and only for eachother. -Michael Chapter 1: The End of Royalty The castle, luxurious as a mansion within its confines, was like almost any other castle. It had a king, and it had a throne, which was beautiful on its own, but paintings and artifacts by the dozen could be found within the castle as well, none being hidden from prying eyes. The immortal king feared nothing, and was quite intent on showing off his luxury to any who might pass through his home. Luther was the king?s name, and he was an ancient vampire, one with enough cunning and guile to control whoever he wished. Sitting on his throne, he took quick glances at the luxurious pieces that surrounded him, before staring right into the eyes of what he prized most. This possession was not some inanimate object, but a girl named Alecia. The clothes this girl wore, against her own will, were made to accentuate her beautiful features. Her intelligence, however, is what truly made her unique. Luther took her human life for her beauty, making Alecia his immortal servant, but when he discovered her will, grew to despise the fact that he could not bend her to his own. Tonight was to be the last time that she would defy Luther?s rule. Luther spoke, his voice easily traveling throughout the throne room. ?Alecia, you should do what you are told, that is a simple thing you must learn if you value your life.? He shot a menacing glare at Michael, before continuing his speech. ?As long as you obey, you will be given anything you could ever want; you know this well. After all, you are my most prized vampiress...far more beautiful than Aphrodite could ever claim to be!? Luther sat on his throne as he finished speaking, quite pleased with himself, but his compliments were as venomous as every word he had ever spoken to her, and she cared nothing for them. Alecia hated Luther for her immortality, and would rather have died than be a slave. Michael, however, the second guard of Luther, had fallen in love with her, and she with him. It was only for that love that she kept on living?but even then, she defied Luther, always speaking her mind despite the consequences to herself, seeking death even though she knew she had to live on, for her sake, and for Michael?s. ?What is the point of this life, Luther, if it is in the hands of one other than I? You are a monster, more than I would ever call myself, and I never have, and never will love you for cursing me with this body. How pleasant immortality would be, if only it didn?t mean I was to be a slave for that much longer, to be bound to you, which is unbearable. I would rather die than be a slave for my entire immortal life, and no matter how you may harm my flesh, you will never dominate my mind!? Her blood burning with hatred, Alecia began to walk away from the grand throne, as if suddenly coming to her senses, but Luther, who would no longer stand for her traitorous words, was beside her in what seemed an instant. ?Very well then... your life is forfeit, even if it is a waste of such undeniable beauty. It is a pity that you could not learn your place, my dear.? He sighed lightly, and slapped her across the face with inhuman speed, knocking her to the ground. Sitting once again on his throne, Luther spoke to his gaurds. ?Take her to the dungeon!? Daniel and Aeran, two of his personal gaurd, quickly ran over and took her away on Luther?s orders. Alecia struggled as powerfully as she could muster, but it was in vain, and all of her strength was useless against the stronger hands that held her. She finally gave in to her fate, and ceased her struggling. Now death could embrace her, in its loving arms, and take her away from her hollow existence. --- Michael watched in horror as the events unfolded, as his love was dragged to her inevitable death. Luther happened to notice the expression on his face, and laughing aloud, directed his comments towards the young vampire. ?Perhaps I should kill you as well, for stealing her away from me. That would be even more of a waste than this is already turning out to be, I suppose. Quite unfortunate, wouldn?t you agree, but then, I could not allow her to disobey me for any longer, now could I? Ah, but do not worry your young mind; for your precious Alecia will not be killed until the next night is through. Savor what time she has left in the realm of the living, and let her death be a lesson of what happens to those who defy my rule.? He smiled maliciously as he finished speaking, and the horror that had boiled within Michael transformed into murderous intent in mere moments. Michael?s love was to be slain, and what could he possibly do to stop it? A thought crossed his mind. I must kill Luther! He knew, however, that this would not be a wise choice, at least not at the moment. The self-proclaimed King Luther sat completely unprotected, but if Michael were to murder him now, it would not free Alecia, in fact, it would condemn her to death far sooner. Michael needed a plan, and for one rare moment in his life, he was able to supress his emotions for long enough to form a plan. Hoping desperately that he would have the time needed, he carefully planned his moves while he stormed out of the room, unable to stand in the presence of Luther for a moment longer. He quickly walked down the dark corridors, towards the small tower which he called his home. The eyes of figures within many works of art seemed to stare right through him, to condemn him for plotting against Luther, their keeper. He reached the base of the tower, and up the spiral steps he went, and reaching his room, he took his most precious item, and slipped it into a leather pouch. The vial was safe with him. It had to be safe, and the power it could grant Michael he only hoped would be enough to survive the coming storm. He lay down on the floor, he had always been accustomed to sleeping on the ground. In moments he was asleep, unable to control his instincts of rest, even when danger was near for one whom he loved. The dawn approached. Michael would save Alecia, or die trying, who was to be executed the next dusk by Luther?s very words. These words, while poison, were very rarely outright lies, and Michael took some comfort in this simple truth as sleep overcame his senses. --- Waking into darkness, Michael moved quickly to rescue his love. Every second was counting against him, every second a threat to Alecia?s life. He moved towards the cells, through dark corridors and bypassing many locked doors through his strength and guile alone. His plan, however, had no way of getting her out of her cell, the ultimate challenge. For he knew that she would be in the most sturdy of the dungeon cells, barred with grating that even he could not force through. Still, he kept on moving, hoping not to be seen. Luck was not with him, however, and Aeran sensed him coming as he approached the cell, the only gaurd left who blocked Michael?s path to Alecia. Their battle would have seemed inevitable to one knowing nothing of them both. Michael was the first of them to speak, when they finally layed eyes upon one another. ?Aeran, I can not afford to let you hinder me when Alecia is in danger.? He paused, and took a few steps closer to him, showing no aggression whatsoever in his actions. ?Every second is critical to her survival...and every word I speak another threat to her very life.? He sighed as he finished speaking, and slowly, Michael took the final steps toward an old friend. Strangely it seemed, Michael sensed no murderous intent within Aeran; from this distance, where he could practically touch him, Michael suddenly was thinking he might not have to kill a dear friend. He began to understand Aeran?s intent almost instantly. He smiled at once upon coming to this realization. ?I had hoped you would help us, Aeran, but if you let me escape with Alecia, and do not come as well, you will be killed! You know this even better than I.? Aeran interrupted Michael before he could continue to argue against the choice he had made. ?I have already helped you far more than can be called wise.? He held out the keys to Alecia?s cell, and Michael snatched them quickly. ?My life may end, but in return, you have Alecia. Her life is far more important to you than my own life is to me, so it seems a very good trade.? He looked melancholy at this point, despite his words. ?Never forget me.? Aeran pointed towards Alecia?s cell. ?If you can promise that, Luther will not follow you, I promise this. I will kill him with my own hands, and if I am able, I will find you both. You will find your love in the next cell over.? A tear went down Michael?s face. ?I can keep that promise. I hope to see you again one day.? ?Even if its in some other life, or in some other world. Goodbye, my friend.? Said Aeran, before he finally ran off, his mind set on a single goal. Despite their statements, they both knew that it was the last time they would ever speak. --- After the long search, Alecia had been found, and glancing through the six inch thick bars of metal, Michael?s heart nearly broke. Alecia?s angelic form was beaten and bruised, and her dress torn in many places from physical damage, mind you, not from anything more insidious. What kept Michael going, as he stared into her eyes, was the resilience that showed, the will that he had fallen in love with. She smiled as though she had expected him to come, as if she truly believed in him. And she always had. Alecia wanted death...but at the same time, she wanted love. Resigned to her fate, seeing Michael in front of her empowered her with a will to live on. Still, she was trapped. This cell was reinforced beyond what Michael could ever break through. The key he had been provided with was his only hope, he prayed that Aeran had been truthful in giving him the correct key. He quickly pushed they key into the lock and turned it. The cell was unlocked. Michael felt like smashing his head against the stone wall for doubting the sacrifice of his greatest friend. With a great effort, Michael pulled open the enormous door, which creaked loudly on its hinges as he did so. Luckily for them both, there were none nearby who heard, Aeran had made sure of it. He went over to Alecia, his love, and with great effort, his muscles flexing as powerfully as they ever had, he tore the shackles from her arms. This was a feat that no human could have accomplished, or even the majority of immortals. He threw the destroyed shackles to the ground, and they stared into eachothers eyes, finally together yet again. The two embraced as lovers, though they were still merely in love, the chains of Luther?s rule preventing anything farther from happening, until now. Now they could leave this place and find some small measure of peace. This had been their dream for many, many months, but now was when it finally would become a reality. Michael thought of Aeran, and prayed for him, but he didn?t actually believe it would do much to help. He just hoped that his sacrifice could buy him time to escape from the castle, with Alecia in tow. They left the dungeon in silence, and escaped unharmed from the lower levels of the castle. Many guards patrolled, Luther had made sure of that, but Michael was always fast enough to leave them for dead. Just as they were nearing victory, coming out into the courtyard leading to the castle gate, Daniel suddenly appeared from the shadows, as if by magic. He threw the corpse of Aeran to the ground, speaking with anger and pride. ?Aeran has killed Luther, yes, my father is murdered...for that, he has paid this price, the same price that she must pay for defying him.? He nodded his head towards Alecia, and drew forth his deadly blades, pointing them towards Michael, and issuing one final statement to him. ?I?ll see you in hell, traitors.? Michael drew his rapier as well, and blocked with unmistakable speed; but even with his agility, he knew he was outmatched. Each blow that he blocked could have killed him in an instant had it slipped through his defenses. Daniel was the most fearsome vampire Michael had ever known, even more so than his father Luther had been. Though far less cunning than Luther, loyalty to his father is what had provoked him to attack the two, and to murder Aeran, who Michael had called a dear friend. Aeran was dead! Michael fought with all of the skill he had ever known. Swords impacted Michael?s rapier, and his speed is all that kept him alive. Again and again he blocked, and each defensive maneuver would have cost him his life had it been executed but a split second later. Though neither of the fighters took any harm, it was a hopeless battle for Michael. His rapier was no match for Daniel?s twin swords, and he could feel weariness building up within his limbs with each blow that he repelled, while Daniel fought on without mercy or pause. Alecia, watching the battle that was taking place before her, thought fast of what she might do to help her protector. She had been given the luxury of reading ancient texts, among other things, while a slave of Luther. Some of these had described many of the same things she had studied while in life, ways of envoking magic and empowering herself with the supernatural. At least some good had come of her captivity, she thought for a moment, before brushing that thought aside. Focusing her mind, and hoping that her spell woul be enough, Alecia projected all of the energy that she could muster towards Daniel?s form. A shockwave of energy coursed through the air immediately, straight towards Daniel. Daniel suddenly was flying through the air, against his will. His flight ended with him smashing head-first into a stone column nearby the gate. His neck nearly broke from the impact, but this was something that he could quickly recover from. Still, it had left him disoriented and quite vulnerable. He cursed his luck, but when he tried to stand, he could not for at least a minute afterwards. He gave in to his helplessness, the bones in his head mending themselves back together. By the time he had recovered, the traitors were long gone. Michael and Alecia ran as swiftly as they could, and Daniel did not even attempt to chase them. The reason for this was simple, by the time he had regained his senses, they had reached the forest nearby. The dawn approached, and he knew to retreat within the safety of the castle. The fools will die in time, he thought. He spoke, though none but himself heard, ?I am willing to be patient in order to succeed in my vengeance...which has just only begun.? Michael and Alecia ran off into the night, thinking Daniel to be right behind them, and even as dawn approached they continued to flee from the wrath they perceived would come down upon them. The foliage of the dark forest shielded them from the sun?s rays, but their instincts told them to rest. Shortly after the day had begun, they lay down to obtain this rest, and quickly fell asleep, within the safety of the forest. --- Daniel would never forgive Michael, nor Alecia, for defying his father. To have them together...to have the traitors content with each others presence pained him greatly. Everything he had he owed to the soul of the ancient that sat before him, quite dead, his place of death being exactly where he would have wanted it to be. On his grand throne. After the day had passed, Daniel departed the castle, along with three of the most powerful soldiers who remained loyal to his father, and to him. He was to hunt down Michael and Alecia, whatever the cost. He would kill the traitors, make them feel true suffering, before returning home safely. Even if it might take years, even if it cost him everything, he would never give up his pursuit until his vengeance was had. --- Alecia woke a short while before Michael. The night was just beginning, and she felt fear of Daniel, fear that he would pursue them now that he had the chance. The wounds she had suffered at the hand?s of Luther?s soldiers were fully healed, but her dress remained torn. This ability, this regenerative power, had always felt unnatural to her. She was afraid of even her own strength, but was gifted with abilities while she was human that were amazing even then. She had been a scholar, but young, when Luther had taken her, and forced immortality on her without mercy or pause. She stared at Michael as he slept, and finally decided to awaken him. Michael lead the way, and they continued to flee through the forest, from the demon that pursued them. Several hours later, they were quite lost. Michael helped Alecia to the top of a tree, so that they might have a better view of their surroundings. It was hardly a challenge for them to climb, despite the lowest branches being a dozen feet off the ground. As they reached the top of this tree, Alecia spoke quietly to Michael, in a voice that no human would have noticed. ?Fights like that...? She paused for a moment, speaking directly towards Michael this time, ?they always remind me of how horrible we truly are. I can crush a humans skull in my hands with relative ease, and you...you can do far more than I. It always pains me that we must harm others to sustain our own life. But I suppose that in the end, what truly matters is that we are together...? As she finished speaking, she sat on the top branch of the tree, absently looking into the distance. The dark forest surrounded them for miles, but she knew by intuition which way they must travel. She spoke again a moment later. ?It is nearly dusk...but we can not afford to stop here...tired as we are. If Daniel hunts us down, and we both know that he will try his best to do just that, we may not be able to escape from his wrath as easily as before. Michael, answer me. Are we to run forever? Or do we accept our fates and be done with this? Know that I am with you, whatever you may choose.? She smiled, but they both could tell it was an empty gesture. No true happiness could be known while they were still in grave danger. Michael thought for a while on what she had said, before saying what he had always believed. ?I can not lose you, Alecia, and I am afraid that if we go back that is exactly what will happen. So we run, I say. Let Daniel chase us to the ends of the earth, for all I care. Deny him his revenge, and live on. Aeran?s death would have been in vain if we do not at least try our best to do at least that.? Michael sat down next to her, and they held eachother closely for several minutes. They finally lowered themselves down, and knowing that they had wasted enough time, they continued farther into the forest, and towards the future that awaited them both.

2009-04-17 23:32:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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Somebody read this, please. I know its somewhat long, but I really could use feedback. Edit: Suppose I'll check later. Have to be patient when it comes to a forum.

2009-04-18 00:26:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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I will read this maybe late tonight or tomorrow, I really want to work on chapter VIII of my story now, and then I have to go out for a while. After reading the first paragraph, it sounds really good, so I can't wait to read the rest!

2009-04-18 00:35:00 Author: Kog Posts: 2358

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I'm going to make a character description and such in another thread or in a post of this...for all of the characters I create, and expand on them, rather than keeping their thoughts within my mind completely. And trust me, it gets worse after the first paragraphs. Lol. I can tell it still has far too little detail in each section for what I want it to have. Not to say that I want it to last forever, but a bit more detail would be nice. I hate rushing through things, the trick is to make the writing interesting as well as descriptive, which is tough, and I'm a novice writer. If I made books, this scene would be 1/3 into one of them. It would be a prequel, one of two prequels, the other being primarily through Aeran's perspective, while this one is through primarily Michael's perspective. I would like to have multiple perspectives in my stories, at least. I also need to do some research... The actual story would be of a global war between immortals and humans lasting for hundreds of years, mostly shown through perspectives of many within it, some having more influence than others. The first book would be on the start of the war (some of which will be at the end of the prequel), the struggles of mankind, and the choices humans and vampires, along with maybe other immortals as well, make regarding choosing sides. The second would be even more large-scale, the third on the origin of magic and immortals and such along with some of the war continuing. Or more books than that even. The battles would be epic, the relationships between main characters close, and hopefully the story as believable as possible. The ending...well, I can't tell you how what could be an epic series of books will end, without spoiling it. I know how it will end, though. Just not much of what happens in between. Edit: In case you were wondering, yes, my vampires drink human blood, and burn in the sunlight, and this is due to a soul existing in some form in my series (as it honestly would have to for explaining the supernatural), which can be fed from by vampires to increase their strength, or needed to survive by weaker ones. They are the evolution of man, is the idea, not the undead. The burning in sunlight thing is due to the fact that it emits radiation that completely counteracts the vampire's evolved traits, and that can only be avoided with enormous shielding and such. They have evolved to be nocturnal due to this, and drink blood, though they are more like humans in many ways. They can eat food, and drink, they merely drink blood as another requirement of life they now have as a cost of their evolution. Edit2: I'll create a thread for more details if this goes anywhere. Post suggestions please, for improving my writing in any possible way. I could improve it myself, but with my knowledge, there are limits to this. Think of this chapter as a rough draft that needs to be edited and remade. Also, I'm about halfway done with the second chapter already. This one has far more battle in it, and will end with a cliffhanger, or at least a small cliffhanger. My goals are, in order - telling a story, making it believable, having it send multiple messages, and my very last is to make it purely for those who might read it. Fanservice, in my opinion, ruins just too many works of literature. Of course, your suggestions are welcome, but I won't take them into account based on the number of them stated, but based on the logic in them being said.

2009-04-18 00:38:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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Okay... well, before i get into anything, i'm going to issue a BIG GINORMOUS disclaimer. 1) Sorry if anything seems harsh, or too anal... i can't help it >.> 2) nice story, it intrigues me, and makes me want another installment and now onto this... commentary...thing... yeah... one thing i thought was a little odd was how the first section about love was in first person... and the rest is third.... or is the person in the first section not michael? I'm also not entirely sure if the first section is supposed to be a flashback (from the very end- kinda like a memoir) or the part of the story directly preceding the next part. "Her skin was pale, but her features striking, and her intelligence unmatched." should that be "Her skin was pale, but her features WERE striking, and her intelligence WAS unmatched."? (sorry, grammar nazi here) "Marcus and Aeran, two of his gaurds, quickly ran over and grabbed her on Victor?s orders, and Alecia struggled in vain, kicking and screaming for all she was worth." somehow, this seemed out of character to me, Alecia sounds like a fighter, to be true, but idk, somehow i think she'd be more of the defiant type, she'll take her death sentance because its truly what she wanted, and spite Victor with the fact that he was granting her a boon. ... but thats just me, you're the author, i'm just a reader "The vial was safe with him. It had to be safe, and the power it could grant Michael he only hoped would be enough to survive the coming storm." oooooh, plot development! I wonder whats in this vial...? "The dawn was approaching. Michael would save Alecia, or die trying, who was to be executed the next dusk by Victor?s words. These words, while often poison, were very rarely outright lies, and Michael knew this as sleep overcame his senses." i found these sentances a little awkward. (try saying them aloud ) The part about her being executed is somewhat redundant, and, i'm not entirely sure what the point of talking about whether Victor is telling the truth is... but, again, you're the boss. " ?If you can promise that, Victor will not follow you, I promise this. I will kill him with my own hands, and if I am able, I will find you both.? " i was kind of confused... why would Victor be following Michael, if he didn't suspect treachery? seemed like an odd promise. "A tear went down Michael?s face. ?I can keep that promise. I hope to see you again someday.?Despite their statements, they both knew that was the last time they would ever speak." I'm not sure his statement supports that idea... 1) he starts crying a little, 2) its only "I HOPE" not, "i will" or "we plan to be ___, meet us in x time ___"... etc. "Everything he had he owed to the soul of the ancient that lay before him, quite dead, and already on a path to decay. " This kind of confused me, is it referring to Aeran, Victor, someone else entirely? And, the soul is dead... and decaying? o.o " ?I can not lose you, Alecia, and I am afraid that if we go back that is exactly what will happen. So we run, I say. Let Marcus chase us to the ends of the earth, for all I care. Deny him his revenge, and continue living. Aeran?s death would have been in vain if we do not at least try our best to live on.? Michael sat down next to her on the branch for minutes, before lowering himself down, and knowing that they had wasted enough time, they both continued farther through the forest, and towards the future that awaited them." DUN DUN DUN! I can has next chapter now? D: i mean, geez, what a way to end it. General comments i had were 1) the setting is still a little up in the air (is this castle in Europe, a small island off of tahiti, on the moon? Heck, is this even EARTH?) (is the time frame 50 billion years into the future, or 10 years) 2) the histories still aren't that well explained (regarding the human/immortal conflict- is there even a conflict, is it known vampires exist? etc.) But, i expect those things would be answered by the previous 1/3 of your book that i havent read i'm not entirely sure how "believable" you're going to be able to make a work of fiction about vampires who cast magic... but good luck with that again, sorry if anything seems harsh, or too anal... i'm just tryin to help and, next installment plz. kthxbai.

2009-04-18 11:37:00 Author: Burnvictim42 Posts: 3322

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This is just a fragment of a small part of the story. So no, I didn't explain much. Its earth, future is 100 years from now or so, and all history up until now is unaffected by vampires or immortals in any major way, until the war begins. I don't want alternate pasts, merely futures. The magic will obviously be the most difficult to explain. Let me say this, however. The world is earth, as ours is. Adding the supernatural, which I don't believe, personally, exists in this world, to the writing, will require an explanation of the origins of that magic, which will no doubt be associated with "souls." So think of it as if it were our earth, but with limited magic that still has to adhere to the laws of the universe somewhat. For example, the trait that makes a vampire more powerful is their genetic structure, and the fact that they have a new form of metabolism which is amazingly complex and impossible to recreate in its pure form. This metabolism is a direct link to the soul, something never before found in genetics. It literally eats away at the vampire's soul in exchange for granting extraordinary powers. Drinking blood, which contains the soul "energy" of a person, though not the souls main body, prevents their inevitable decay as this gene or trait not only allows for the use of your own soul to create energy and mass, and bend the laws of the universe (within limits), but allows them to metabolize the energy of others. However, the sun burning them is caused by an immense weakness against radiation in general, though the sun's radiation is particularly harmful. Radiation becomes mankinds greatest weapon against immortals, who are gifted with unnatural reflexes, speed, intelligence, and more. This balances it out, I think. Any thoughts on that explanation? I'm thinking it up mostly as I go. Yes, grammar can be fixed, and I'll continue to revise. What I really want are suggestions as to the basic quality of the storyline. I'm trying to narrate in third person, but express what the characters are thinking, though not as detailed as in first person, as this is important to me, personally. The beginning of each chapter will have a short first person writing, such as in the Drizzt novels if anybody has read them, from multiple characters on multiple subjects. This will enhance your views on your characters opinions, so that the chapters themselves can go through the content more easily. Thanks for the compliments, and no, your arguments against it were legitimate. The next installment is partially done. Hope to get some more feedback on this and edit it some more, as well as enhance it (which may take months as I learn to write well). If anybody wants me to, I could narrate an explanation of the vampire "gene" through the eyes of a scientist, during the crimson war. That is something I would have written eventually, but to make it quality work...that will take time. I hope you can be satisfied with my explanations for now, and tell me what parts about them need help. Then I can work on improving the content of the story. I'll explain everything in time. Edit: Finally, I would like to state that magic will be extremely limited, and make sense somewhat. Telekinesis will be the creation of vacuums within space, forcing objects towards or away with control. Firing a ball of fire would take immense energy, as you would have to instinctively (and few would have this ability, think of it as a recessive gene both humans and vampires have) ignite particles in the air and move them through space. So most fights would likely be with telekinesis, mind reading, other forms of movement or detection, temporary boosts to certain attributes, or the creation/destruction of matter within limits.

2009-04-18 13:58:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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*jawdrop* That's a big chapter! I'm definitely reading this as soon as I've done my ****ed French revision.

2009-04-18 15:18:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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I really liked it! A full critique would take a long time though. You write quite well but there are quite a few areas that I would alter, I'm just trying to decide whether or not to do the critique. I have exams coming up and as I said it would take a long time. If I have a few hours to spare over the next few days I'll try . I do love the overall concept! However I would change the names. Because it's about vampires using those names brings Underworld to mind and the characters that those names represent. So I picture Victor from Underworld when the character in your story is probably different. In the end it makes it seem like fan-fiction and I don't think that is what you want.

2009-04-18 16:50:00 Author: Burrich Posts: 1018

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I'll update and release a new version of this as soon as I can, taking into account your suggestions. I'll also change a couple of names. Thanks for the help. Then I'll finish the next chapter by monday or tuesday, probably. Edit: Took a 10 minute run through it, editing sentence structure and such in a few places (then re-posted it in the original post). Havn't changed any names yet, though, or added any more paragraphs as I plan to. Still would like more feedback before then. ^^ Edit 2: I'm going to continue to improve on this in any way I possibly can. For now, brainstorming time. To-do list: change Victor's name to Vincent or Luther. Change Marcus' name to Daniel or Nathan. Come up with a family name for the two. Write down, for myself, information on the personalities and histories of all characters, so to better write for them. Finally, finish outlining the second 2/3 of the second chapter that I have yet to finish, that takes place directly after this one. After I'm done with that chapter, I will likely write one more afterwards, then do a prequel chapter, and then finally dive into the future storyline once I've got the pasts lined out well enough. I think that is important. Edit 3: And the chapters with first person narration at the beginning are from things Michael wrote afterwards, though how far afterwards I won't say. If I wrote other books, with other characters, I might not have these, or might change styles entirely for chapter introduction. This book is mostly on Michael, however, which is why it starts with him. I might even start some chapters with things written by Alecia, or Marcus, as they are going to be the main characters in the "book" this chapter would eventually be from. Mostly Michael though. Say, 60% Michael, 20% the other two.

2009-04-18 22:56:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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phew, I just finished reading the chapter. Maybe next time you can release each chapter in two halves, to stop the time between new mini-chapters from being to long and to increase the number of supporters. The writing style is good, I loved reading your story. The ending was tantalising, I can't wait for the next instalment to answer some of my questions. Thanks for posting this, it was a very good read, I look forward to anything else you have to post.

2009-04-19 10:09:00 Author: dawesbr Posts: 3280

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Alright. Added spaces between paragraphs (they weren't in before due to me pasting it from a word proccessor document). Thanks for the support. I'll spend some time revising this one before the weekend is through, and hopefully have a final version (in content) before today is over. Though the final version itself might not be finished until I improve on my skill as a writer. Edit: Made another editing run through it. I continue to find ways to improve it. I swear, I'm going to revise it a hundred times before I'm happy with it. Hopefully my skill in writing can improve to a point where not many revisions are neccessary. Edit 2: Made another editing run through it, changing the name Victor to Luther, and Marcus to Daniel. Tell me if I missed any. Editing runs are fast for me, to edit it in the way I should would take hours to do, longer than it took to type it in the first place. Editors must have a hard job... Edit 3: I keep seeing problems in the grammar and spelling...every time I look at this. Its a good thing I can type quickly, and read quickly. >.> Edit 4: As my next chapter may be even longer than this one was, I may split it into 2 parts to make it easier to digest mentally. Thanks for giving me that idea. Edit 5: What questions do you need answered in the next chapter? I'm not writing this just to please others, but I want to improve on my writing style. A lot of things won't be explained unless I make a prequel, or tons of chapters, as this is just a small part of what might eventually be a book. So that's a reason that I can explain things outside of the chapters themselves if you need me to. Feel free to ask questions, and I will answer them (even if I'm making up half of it as I go). The next chapter was going to be mostly of battle, but I could add another one that takes place between the chapters, as they are still continuing on through the forest. Edit 6: I'll have more exact locations and such once I do my history research. Yes, this is in europe, I'm just not sure where yet.

2009-04-19 17:30:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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Due to me getting very much bashed by a friend who I showed this story to, I'm going to totally revamp it before finishing the next chapter. Each sentence needs to be interesting, and not sound like its coming from a robot. That's my main problem so far. Edit: Updated. Posting this on two seperate forums for feedback, as I'm too much of a pansy to show it to anybody in the real world.

2009-04-20 17:00:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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wow O_o dude that is really long.... I'll read it when i feel like it because yeh... it's really long xD

2009-04-20 23:47:00 Author: Yarbone Posts: 3036

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I'll split the next chapter into 2-3 posts, I guess. It isn't THAT long, its like...3000 words, reading 5 words per second, that's...well, 10 minutes of reading. I guess it is long.

2009-04-20 23:52:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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Made an hour run through the story or so, improving on it as I went, mostly on grammar, and getting rid of useless parts. I also added some new sentences as well.

2009-04-21 21:11:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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Ok... does that mean i can read it? like... i don't want to re-read it later >_<

2009-04-21 21:37:00 Author: Yarbone Posts: 3036

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...if you don't want to read it multiple times, then don't read it yet. Its far from perfected. This is the first time that I've ever written anything as long as I'm planning this to be. I need feedback on what needs to be changed, but I'm already getting plenty from other friends I have. So no, I'll post when its 100% complete, or at least complete enough that I won't be editing it any time soon. Read my sci-fi one, I won't be updating that anytime soon, if ever. Edit: I'm restoring this completely. I'll add new content and make it interesting to read, but its a slow process, and after an hour I only finished around 5% of it...though I've never done this before, it will probably go faster later on. Edit 2: Working on the update. I'll split it into two posts when I finally do post it.

2009-04-21 23:13:00 Author: Echonian Posts: 279

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