Archive: 4 posts

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"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table." "I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. So if it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and think, "Ah ****! Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular." "Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. '**** it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' '**** it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right." "I walked by a dry-cleaners at 3:00 in the morning and there was a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, We Are Closed." You don't need to be sorry. It's 3:00 in the morning, and you're a dry-cleaner... it would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open." "You know how when you go to a restaurant, they call out your name? Like "Dufresne, party of two... Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers, they'll say it again "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just move on the next name: "Bush, party of three." What happened to the Dufresnes? They're missing, and no one cares. Right now, they're tied up in the trunk of someone's car, with duct tape over their mouths, and they're hungry. That's a triple whammy! "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you've found the Dufresnes." "Dogs are forever in the pushup position. That's a dumb joke. I am aware of that". "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." "I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later." "Last week I helped a friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck." "When I go out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet because inside is a note that says 'say thanks'." "Next time I move, I hope I get a phone number that's easy to remember, like 22222222. People will say 'Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?' and I'd say 'Just press 2 for a while. And when I answer, you will know that you've pressed 2 enough.'" "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so...yeah.'" "I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see Dr. Acula." "I was writing a letter, I had a problem... I said, "Ed, how do you abbreviate Arkansas?" He said, "I don't know, just start spelling it, then quit."

2009-04-02 01:13:00 Author: tyboogie Posts: 96

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I went to stay over at a friend's house and he told me I'd have to sleep on the floor. **** gravity...

2009-04-02 01:28:00 Author: Morrinn3 Posts: 493

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Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest comedians....ever.

2009-04-02 05:46:00 Author: cornontheCOD Posts: 150

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I actually never heard of him... =[

2009-04-02 09:00:00 Author: Unknown User

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